I know you miss me...

Hey baby,

I wasn't expecting to see you last night since you just had a tiring day travelled back from training for few days. After sending some fruits for your parents, I went back straight to office. Your mum told me that you were sleeping and thought of letting you know that I'm there but I stopped her. I told her that I wasn't there to see you but just to give them the fruits and I'm actually rushing back to office to work. So she send me off to the door.

I didn't thought you would want to go out after a  long day. Since you BLOCK me from FB and you want to act cool by not sms or call me, you still find your way to talk to me... Sametime! I brushed one of our colleague off cause I want to concentrate on the work but eventually I failed to brush you off. Worst still I stop work and go pick you up for a drink. Listening to all your stories and you telling me how tired you are...I knew you wanted my attention. You still wanted me care about you. The funny part is...you showed me your bruised thumb and tell me how you bruised it. Your tone of voice and expression showing that 'Bee, look at my thumb... :(   It hurts'. Well, when I help to press your thumb...Your face showed a sense of happiness.

If according to your character, you wouldn't see me last night. I guess some parts in your heart started missing me after I'd been gone for few days break. You're probably expecting me to put a night at your place so through out the whole journey, you didn't even mention 'Do I want to put a night at your place?' cause you were expecting me to open up but I didn't. At your house, you open all your gates to let me take my stuffs to go in with you but I just stand outside. Your face looked disappointed when I told you that I just wanted to take my laptop. I can hear the disappointment tone in your voice. To be honest, I really wanted to stay but I just don't want to wake you up so early cause I have to go office the next morning. I haven't seen this look from you before even when we were together back then... Probably because all these while I've not turn you down.

I called you awhile ago but you didn't pick up and I thought you don't want to talk to me since you already reply me saying that you're eating already. I'm really glad that you called back. Although I'm quite disappointed that you turned down our date tonight but it's ok. I'll still be right beside you....Near to you... I do hope miracles to happen tonight that you'll change your mind. I really wished to see you tonight. I really am. I hope that I can hold you tight and kiss you once more tonight...

I AM STILL YOURS...

Hey baby,

When you needed help, I will be the first appearing in your mind. I don't mind that you take me on a joy ride or you're just taking me for granted or just taking advantage on me.... For me, as long as can help you solve your problem and you'll have a peace of mind and can make you happy....I'll be satisfied.

To be honest, one of our very close friend told me to brush you off...Saying that I'm really too good... I care about you too much and I forgot about myself. He said that sometimes when we've been too good all the while, people often take us for granted. I think I do agree with him. The problem with me is that whenever I see your message or call, I just couldn't turn you down.

I know that you're not mine anymore, I do get that... But the problem now is... I AM STILL YOURS!

Christmas 2011

Hey baby,

How i wish our hearts can be like these candy canes... This Christmas had indeed make me realized many things in my life... All the ups and downs that I'd gone through. Being with YOU... ALONE...with YOU and ALONE... Now...my heart is still with YOU!

Year 2011 Christmas was kinda interesting and unique for me...Well, at least is not the usual norm that I used to do all those years... Spend a night at yours on 22nd night cause had to help you prepare your training deck. Off to work on 23rd morning while you still sleeping like a cute pretty angel... Loaded all my stuffs in the car cause I wasn't thinking of staying over at yours on 23rd night. Worried that my car engine will wake you up thus I drove off real quick after get started. I went to woke like a zombie cause not enough sleep on 22nd night. In fact, we off to bed at 2.30am and it's 23rd morning. Had a real busy day at work during the 1st half and off I went to shop for Christmas's gifts for you, your nieces and gift exchange gift.

At first I thought of getting you the TOY STORY GREEN ALIEN soft toy from Toys R Us. After much consideration, I drop the idea cause you won't be using it anyway. You had ODIE with you and it's dying there... =P  Walk around the mall for few hours with lots of gifts ideas such as COACH key chain cause you always can't find your car key in your handbag, cash voucher for you to buy dresses, Toy Story Alien puzzle, towel, key holder wallet, COACH name card holder and perfume. I remember seeing your perfume left not much in your changing area so I ended up buying you that.

I have a perfume story to tell which nearly cause my nose to disfunction. I had this idea of getting you a perfume for Christmas for quite some time. I couldn't recall which brand you're using cause I only found HUGO, KENZO and CK Be bottles in your changing room. I thought the perfume you're using was Kenzo cause you mentioned a few times about Kenzo perfume. I searched high and low for your scent.... I memorized your scent eventually. Cause everytime when I passed by one area, I can smell your scent. I thought it was the scent of your cosmetic. Little did I know that, it was the actual perfume scent that you're using. I went from brand to brand, sniffing from perfume to perfume till I can hardly smell anything after that. I still couldn't find it. So I just forget about it and will try to look again on 23rd. Finally I found your scent...

A week before Christmas, I started shopping for you gift. I wanted to surprise by sending you gift while I'm on leave. The only gift that can deliver to you without me being around is flower.  I remember you told me on your birthday when you received the white casablanca with purple wrapping that I actually got you WRONG. Your EXes got you wrong too. You never like casablanca or purple colour. You like sunflower and blue. Navy blue. You said that sunflower gives you a feeling of being happy all the time and cheerful.

So I call up the florist and told her what to send but too bad... She only follow 75% of the brief. That's why I was so eager wanted to see your flower the moment you ask me about it. The wrapper suppose to be BLUE but it turn out green. A little disappointed. But I guess you were quite happy and surprise the moment you received it. I don't know whether you have been receiving flowers at work but I just want you to feel good. I want the rest of the people know that YOU ARE NOT AS WHAT THEY THINK YOU ARE... I was worried to death actually making this step cause you'll either HATE ME for life or YOU'll LOVE IT...But since I've got nothing to lose so what the heck? =)

Flower was just a part of the plan... I planned to send you 3 gifts cause GOOD THINGS come in 3 remember? I think it's kinda fated. I was your secret santa and I just need to squeeze a little brain juice on how to send you another 2 gifts then the idea of GOOD THINGS COME IN 3 can be succeeded! BINGO! Your sis invited me for her Christmas party. I wasn't thinking of passing the final gift personally cause I thought that I might not be seeing you anymore. Well, we're fated to spend this Christmas season together I guess...Somehow, we're gonna meet up on the 23rd night. Got lost while on my way to your sis and waiting patiently for your call. Made the call to you cause couldn't wait anymore and found out that I'm suppose to call. Meet you up at Starbucks 15mins before Christmas Eve's eve and had to help your subord. Thought we can go hang out at bar but you shut me off. Our actual plan was...I meet you up after I finish at your sis and we will go somewhere to snack and drink. But you were too busy to recall....

I was really happy when you told me that you were surprise and shock when you got up and found out that I'd took away all my stuffs. You thought that I'll spend another night at yours. The way you tell me shows you're quite disappointed that I'm not staying at yours. I actually took back my luggage to change for some clean clothes. I knew you'll want me to stay over at yours so I actually packed my luggage. Our Christmas Eve's eve was spend by helping you finishing your work... To me, it really doesn't matter just as long as you're there with me... Had breakfast with you before I left for home on Christmas Eve was the best thing ever happen. Of all these years, I never got the chance to spend any of the Christmas Eve with my loved one and 2011 is the very first year that I got to spend it someone whom I really loved and that's you!

When you woke up, you hit me with ODIE with your expression...you were actually happy to see me on Christmas Eve. Your expression was exactly the same when we were together. The look that being pampered and your gentle flirting voice in the morning made me felt really happy. That was the biggest gift ever that you've given to me and it's on Christmas Eve. You were playing with me on bed just like you used to be.... I really missed the time that we spend together... I really love you,baby...

Got home and busy prepare for the Christmas Dinner Feast. Lots of eating and chatting with family and friends but my heart keep thinking about you. I was wondering how are you doing at your sis? Are you having a good time? Do you enjoyed it? What you get for Christmas this year? And I was waiting for your messages or call actually. My heart was with you at your sis's. Finally i got to call you and found out that you just got home.
Hearing you telling me what you get for Christmas this year on 24th or should I say Christmas day since it's after 12am... What happen at your Christmas dinner? What you plan to do... I'm really happy. Cause somewhere in your heart there's place for me. And I'm really glad that you and your sis are really working out to make things better among you girls... Your ice-cream date should be a good closure for the year 2011...

Thank you for spending those days before Christmas with me...It meant a lot to me...

As Christmas time getting nearer...

Dear baby,

As Christmas day getting nearer...I miss you even more....I'm just wondering whether have you receive the sunflowers that I send you. I hope you'll like it. Keeping silence doesn't mean I forget about you. I missed you a lot more lately... I hope we'll have a great night out on our Christmas Eve's eve. To be honestly with you, there is no place and no one I would rather be with other than you...

Good things come in 3, baby... You have the book, the flower and right now left the last gift that I will give it to you personaly. I really wish to spend a quiet Christmas day with you. Only both of us, lazying on a couch, holding each other tight in front of the fireplace, listening to 'Have yourself a merry little Christmas' and 'Chestnut roasting on an open fire' with a glass of wine on our hand. This will be my dream Christmas.

Baby, if only I could tell you all this... I really wish to spend this Christmas day with you...
Thank you for your present too...Not sure if I will read it but it's your thoughts that count....

I miss you, baby...

Sorry that I love you

Hey baby,

Thanks for coming to my rescue last night. Don't know what I'll be like without you... Sorry to trouble you... I promised this will be my very first & last time... I didn't realize that I actually told you that I love you.... I told myself many many times not to tell u anything about my feelings towards you....The more I control, the more I lost control....  I don't hope for anything but I just wish that you'll be happy... If staying away from me makes you better, I will do it for you.... I thought I'm getting over you but eventually I'm not... I was your secret santa... I knew you could guess it because of all the years, you have not receive anything like that before... I was shopping for you gift for 2 days cause I really dunno what to get for a woman who has everything... But somehow, this book title striked my mind cause i bought one too last year.... I dun know why it keeps appearing...Guess God wants you to read it cause He knows that you're discourage... And i bought it for you... I found 2 books for you but my heart told me to buy this for you... That message on the card...was wrote down especially for you out of inspiration... I hope it'll help you...

This is just your first gift... :)   Good things come in 3. I asked you about your leave because I thought of sending you your favourite sunflower for Christmas when I'm away.... Your 3rd gift will be pass to you by your sister. I don't know whether you'll hate me after this or will appreciate the things that I did for you... I can just hope that you'll put on a smile when you receive those gift...

Sorry that I still very much in love with you, baby....

Anticipation

Baby,

That cute little puppy action, is indeed what I'm doing... I am eagerly waiting to see you... I checked on MSN and Sametime to see if you're online... When i saw you online, I have the urge to text u but i hold back... Cause i duno whether you'll like it... I'm afraid that I might trigger your anger so I just back off... All I can do is 'looking out the window' to see if you've 'come home'... I know you love me no more... It's just me....that still can let go of you....cause you have the biggest chunk of my heart...

Didn't realize that I miss you dearly

Baby,

I saw the bedsheet set that we bought together when we just started dating... My heart dropped a suddenly... It feels like needles and pins poking my heart... My tears suddenly gushed out but I hold it back... I thought I'm doing fine though I've not seen you for a week now... Then I  realize that I'm feeling like this cause deep down in me...I still miss you dearly, baby... This picture indicates my feeling at this moment... Can I have you back, baby?

How have you been doing?

Baby,

I wonder what are you doing lately? Do you still watch HK drama series till late night? Have you done with the series? Do you need new supply? Do you go out lately with your friends? How's your mum? All these questions have been turning in my head lately... My heart skip a beat everytime I thought of you... Today while I was driving home, suddenly i smile in my car... I was thinking about you... I had a flashback of us... How silly you are when you're with me? How adorable you can be? And all the happy moments that we spend... I was happy... 

I'm thinking of you now, baby...

Speechless...

Baby,

When you don't return my message or my call... I got your message loud and clear... You needed time and space and you want time off from me.... I'm sorry that I annoyed you but I didn't mean it.. I just miss you too much... I wished I can cry all out but there's no tears... I am just too broken apart... I just can hope that you'll be back to normal when we meet again... I miss every single moment with you... And I missed how you call me 'Bee...' Today, I'm just speechless... Too many things to say....but too little words that can express my feelings....

My Biggest FEAR...

I have this

OF

BABY

Silent cry...

I'm sorry but I Miss You, baby...

If only you knew....

Baby...

Sometimes I wonder, if only you knew me a little more deeper.... will it change your mind? If only you knew how much you mean to me, will you treat me differently? If only you knew how much I'm willing to give up for you, will it touch your heart? If only you knew that I'm still waiting for you, will you turn back and run into my arms again?

I wasn't expecting any reply from you this morning... You indeed surprise me and lighten up my heart... I've not been sleeping well as I was rushing for a meeting deck whole night. I was kinda piss of with things cause grumpy but your a reply from you...change the whole scenario... I can feel that someplace somewhere in your heart, I am actually there.... If your flight reach at night, you would have ask me to pick you up but just because your flight reach in the afternoon and I'm working so that's why. If I tell you, I will take leave on that day just to pick you up...What would be your response? :)   I still have plenty of days to clear and I just realize it... I wanted to surprise you but I'm afraid that you would not like it... I'm stuck... Can you help me out here, baby?

If only you knew that I would go the extra miles for you...will I be able to hold your hand once more?

If only our hearts are connected...

Baby...

How I wished that we have telepathy ability... Whenever I think of you or miss you... I can just telepath you... Now I'm prohibited from communicating with you... You block me and unfriend me from you FB... but I'm happy that you did try to find me back but you just dunno how to undo that function now.. I thought of teaching you the other but you didn't ask so I just keep quiet... I know you'll ask when you really needed help... Yesterday I was hoping that you'll ask me to stay  but you didn't. You told me that you have lunch but you were lying cause I saw you having a big bowl of instant noodle.. I know you needed time off... So i just leave.. I ended up at OLD TOWN for the past 3 days... :)

I FB your bestest friend on earth... She asked how am I... I told her I'm fine and I just realized that for the past few months, I've just got YOU and YOU ALONE... She gimme a short lecture and I replied her that she sounded like a BIG SIS... She had a good laugh... :)   We're scheduling a dinner to celebrate her birthday... I don't know whether should let you know or not... I'm really exhausted and I wished that you're right beside me now...But I know that's not gonna happen... Sometimes I wished you found me in this blog... But I doubted your GOOGLING ability...  =P

Right now I'm telepathing you... Do you get my message, baby? Have a safe flight tomorrow, baby... Gonna miss you even more... Take care....

All I Want For Christmas is YOU...

Baby...

I want to tell you this long time ago... I wanted to celebrate this year's Christmas with you soooo much... I want to give you everything the best.. I was thinking of throwing a Christmas party in KL this year. I know you always wanted to do something like this, a small house party if you have a home. You will enjoy it.. I don't need you to do anything but just sit back, relax and enjoy it with your friends. I don't mind you invite only your friends cause your friends are mine too now..

I don't know whether you realize this or not but I actually blend into your world... Know the people around you..Getting close with them.. click with them... In fact right now, I am actually closer to your family and friends instead of mine. I don't mind letting go everyone around me to be with yours cause I want to be a part of you. I know if I want to be with you, I have to accept everyone around you. It's easier for me to blend into your world rather than you blend into mine... You actually bring me into your world... When I'm in...you just kicked me out..

Now I'm actually lost.. But i guess you don't realize it as well. I contacted your bestest friend... She seems to be the only familiar face to me right now... I actually really need an ear right now... I know I couldn't tell you cause you'll definitely freak out.. I've seen you... I might me calm and steady but deep down in me...I harbour lots of words that I wanted to say to you...

If Santa really exists...My TOP Christmas wishlist would be you, baby.... All I want for Christmas is just YOU... I want to celebrate Christmas with you.... As Christmas is getting nearer... My feelings sink even more... I MISS YOU BADLY, baby... Though I see you every now and then... but I just couldn't let you know how I feel... Sometimes, i just feel like holding you from behind when you're sitting there watching drama...but i know you wouldn't like it... You know...I am happy when you're sick... This might sound bad but you make me feel that you need me when you're sick... You will want me to pamper you. You will want me to massage you... Put my hand on your forehead to feel whether you're having fever or not.. When you're headache, you will want me to massage your head..

No matter what I do or say right now... I just couldn't get you back into my arms again, don't I baby? GOSH! I finally understand the feeling of my very first EX. Makes me felt like I'm the JERK of the year now... What goes around really comes around! Guess this is 'Do unto others as you want others to do to you'...

Baby... I hope that we really could be together again this Christmas... I didn't tell you this... But I guess I will leave you for real after 3 years... That is why I try me very best to give you the best that i could and spend as much time as i can with you. You probably wouldn't appreciate every single thing that I do for you right now but I guess you'll start to realize this 3 years later when I'm gone...

PS: All I want for Christmas is you, baby... I LOVE YOU...

So near yet so far...

Thurs, 1st Dec... Venue: Baby's palace (Sitting right beside you)

Baby,

I really don't know how should I react or how to express my feelings... Though I'm with you, staying with you but you seems so far from me... I don't know if you are still in love with me but it seems like I still hold on to you too much... Fetching you from airport last night, reminds me of our good times together when we just started. I drove all the way to KLIA to fetch you when you land from Sarawak. You were so surprise and happy to see me at the exit of the arrival. You were really really happy and I do missed that feeling. I still remember that you told me...all these years NO ONE ever FETCH or SEND you to airport when you go on trip. All the while you were trained to be independent by your EXs. But I pampered you and spoilt you... That time you were really glowing with joy and happiness....

From start till now it's not even longer than 6 months... Things change like tornado... You're hot and you're cold at time... Sometimes I really don't know how should I treat you... Ask me to ignore you, I just can't... I just want to be close to you but I know that's not the way... You're probably taking me as a flamboyant but I do take you seriously. I don't mind sending you up and down although your palace and mine it's like at another end of the world. To me, as long as i can be by your side to watch and guard over you...lend you a hand when you needed too.... I'm satisfy.

Getting along with your mum and sisters seems to be much more easier though...  :)  I don't mean that you're hard to handle... Like I told you earlier... being with you is really on a roller coaster ride... You can be at your peak happily and suddenly you can drop till the pit very depressed... Thank God that my patience tolerance level is quite high.... Probably God still thinks that my patience level is not enough thus paired me up with you... My heart is always with you if you realize... I seldom say no to you... unless I really can't... but now I have this question in my mind... Are you taking me for granted? My previous relationship proved that... Being smart and caring is not a good thing at times... I don't know... I don't know what to feel anymore... Right now I'm just walking without a soul... I gave my heart to you but I guess you dumped it away... I don't know...

If you think that I want something from you... You are definitely wrong... You have nothing that I want... It's just that I ACCIDENTLY FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU... I don't regret loving you but I'm starting to feel exhausted... Sometimes I do need your care but... Hhhmmm.... I don't think you'll really understand my character, thoughts or how I feel about you... cause you never tried... I understand you too much now cause I learn about you... I didn't tell you that I was actually very interested in psychology and i read a lot about it... I actually observed you and your family and finally i know why you behave the way you are... Because I understand you too much... that's why I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE....

Though you are very close to me but your heart is just too far away... I wish that I could say 'Baby, I love you' once more...