Baby, I want to hold your hands and hold you tight once more... Loving you silently is driving me crazy.... I wanted to tell you that I still love you a lot but I can't cause you wouldn't let me... When everytime, I got close to you... I wanted to hug you and sniff you like how I used to do... Baby... Can you feel my love for you?
Monday, 28 November 2011
Saturday, 26 November 2011
Your guardian angel...
Hey baby,
How was your outing today? Did your team drive you up the wall again? I hope everything went well with you... Last night I really had a good time...
I didn't thought that I would spend the night with you again. I wasn't intend too. Actually if you don't feel like going out...I'm fine. We can just cancel the date but you didn't want to. I thought we'll have a quick dinner and I'll send you home at about 10pm but eventually we sit and talk till got KICK OUT by the guard thinking that we have problem. Hahaha! What a joke! This is the first time in my life experiencing something like this so ridiculous and it's with you... Hhhhmmm.... Something for me to ponder about. I guess you really give me lots of surprises in my life.
Baby, there's something in me that I don't know how to explain to you. I know you will not love me... I don't know whether you're just playing with me or what... But the feeling that I'm getting from you is that you're neither playing nor serious. Probably you like the attention and care that I shower you with. When suddenly I decided to stop, you felt like kinda not use to it so you head back to me again. You are really driving me nether here nor there... Left me wondering what is going on between us... When I told you that it's ok to cancel, you reluctant. The YOU that I know, will definitely cancel the date if you're damn exhausted and your date is not someone whom you really care. I guess you might worry that you left me feeling disappointed or you really want to see and talk to me about what have you been doing these 2 days since we didn't really talk when you were away.
Well, I do felt happy when you suddenly asked me why I didn't ask you what have you learn for the past 2 days.... It means that you want me to know what happen to you, want me to care about your life... To be honest with you, I do care about every lil bit about you. That's why I bought you ciggarette whenever i found your fav brand. I'm sure you have already run down by the time I give you and you can't really find it. I want you to know that no matter what happens or how you treated me... I really don't mind... I will always be by your side to watch over you and to guard you, not letting any harm comes upon you. Be it rain or shine, whether you're healthy or sick, I'll always be there for you....
When you keep asking me about my luggage in the car... I know you're waiting for me to say that I stand by clothes to go to your house. You were quite disappointed when I just say that I forgot to bring down from my car. Then you asked me is it only dirty clothes inside... Deep down in me I knew that you do have intention to ask me over again. When I told you that it's all clean clothes, you said why I bring luggage... 'Who says want to let you stay?'... Then I answered you back, since when I said I want to stay with you... You were taken aback.... Then you keep quiet. =P
Do you know that I did it on purpose? You didn't thought that I will actually answer you this way... My answer is out of your expectation... You make me do ridiculous thing again, drive to one mall for 5 mins then to another mall again. Just like previously when you said you want to buy my t-shirt...Find parking for 10 mins then go down not even 15 mins, we leave the mall. This is really not my style... I think I really pampered you too much... But you didn't realize it nor you appreciate it... Seriously, as long as you're happy, others really doesn't matters to me... We had the most expensive sandwiches dinner ever in my whole life. Seeing you enjoying it... really worth paying for...
Our journey back home is kinda still and I enjoy having you sitting beside me... I told you not to smoke in my car but you don't bother... I still let you... I really don't know what got into my head till I can let you puff in my car... I never like people smoking but I fell in love with someone smoking like a chimney... You were smoking a lot last night... I really fell like stopping you but I know you wouldn't like it so I just keep my mouth shut and let you smoke.... I guess this is what love really meant... When you truly love a person, you'll accept the ugly part of that person as well... Erm.. not to that you're ugly ok, baby? But it means your weaknesses. I accept the fact that you do drink like a fish, smoke like a chimney and can be an AWARD WINNING DRAMA QUEEN.... So I don't mind going out with you...sit there quietly and guard over you. You can be as drama as you want... but I will still love you silently... Cause I know that you have a heart too and you can fell it but you just don't say it out...
Finally, when you're about to reach home... You can hold it and you just pop out the statement, 'You want to stay for the night or not? Don't say that I didn't ask you!'.... I know why are you so quiet back then when we were on our way home... You were having dilemma about this. I think you remember that you told me, you needed space and you're working on Sat. :)
I guess somehow, you just like the attention that I gave when you're not feeling well don't you? You'll tell me that you're not well and you actually expect me to react... You want me to pamper you... Last night you were actually having slight headache before bed but you keep quiet. Then you toss and turn and finally you ask me whether I bring the cream with me... I know you want me apply on you. Do you know that you can actually apply it yourself but you didn't. You just let me... Though I didn't on lights but I can see your face and expression ok? :) You can't see me without glasses but I can see you crystal clear.... I saw you smiling and your expression is really happy and you enjoy it... It's like you're being pampered by your sweetheart... I can recognize this look... It's exactly the same when we were still together...
I think you'll be really happy being with me if it's not because of my restriction... You will never ever let me go cause you know that I do love you wholeheartedly and I can accept you as who you are... That's the most important thing.. You know you could count on me no matter cause I will always be there for you... Be it in your job or your family... I'm always there for you...
Though you can never love... I don't mind to be your guardian angel watching silently from afar.... :)
How was your outing today? Did your team drive you up the wall again? I hope everything went well with you... Last night I really had a good time...
I didn't thought that I would spend the night with you again. I wasn't intend too. Actually if you don't feel like going out...I'm fine. We can just cancel the date but you didn't want to. I thought we'll have a quick dinner and I'll send you home at about 10pm but eventually we sit and talk till got KICK OUT by the guard thinking that we have problem. Hahaha! What a joke! This is the first time in my life experiencing something like this so ridiculous and it's with you... Hhhhmmm.... Something for me to ponder about. I guess you really give me lots of surprises in my life.
Baby, there's something in me that I don't know how to explain to you. I know you will not love me... I don't know whether you're just playing with me or what... But the feeling that I'm getting from you is that you're neither playing nor serious. Probably you like the attention and care that I shower you with. When suddenly I decided to stop, you felt like kinda not use to it so you head back to me again. You are really driving me nether here nor there... Left me wondering what is going on between us... When I told you that it's ok to cancel, you reluctant. The YOU that I know, will definitely cancel the date if you're damn exhausted and your date is not someone whom you really care. I guess you might worry that you left me feeling disappointed or you really want to see and talk to me about what have you been doing these 2 days since we didn't really talk when you were away.
Well, I do felt happy when you suddenly asked me why I didn't ask you what have you learn for the past 2 days.... It means that you want me to know what happen to you, want me to care about your life... To be honest with you, I do care about every lil bit about you. That's why I bought you ciggarette whenever i found your fav brand. I'm sure you have already run down by the time I give you and you can't really find it. I want you to know that no matter what happens or how you treated me... I really don't mind... I will always be by your side to watch over you and to guard you, not letting any harm comes upon you. Be it rain or shine, whether you're healthy or sick, I'll always be there for you....
When you keep asking me about my luggage in the car... I know you're waiting for me to say that I stand by clothes to go to your house. You were quite disappointed when I just say that I forgot to bring down from my car. Then you asked me is it only dirty clothes inside... Deep down in me I knew that you do have intention to ask me over again. When I told you that it's all clean clothes, you said why I bring luggage... 'Who says want to let you stay?'... Then I answered you back, since when I said I want to stay with you... You were taken aback.... Then you keep quiet. =P
Do you know that I did it on purpose? You didn't thought that I will actually answer you this way... My answer is out of your expectation... You make me do ridiculous thing again, drive to one mall for 5 mins then to another mall again. Just like previously when you said you want to buy my t-shirt...Find parking for 10 mins then go down not even 15 mins, we leave the mall. This is really not my style... I think I really pampered you too much... But you didn't realize it nor you appreciate it... Seriously, as long as you're happy, others really doesn't matters to me... We had the most expensive sandwiches dinner ever in my whole life. Seeing you enjoying it... really worth paying for...
Our journey back home is kinda still and I enjoy having you sitting beside me... I told you not to smoke in my car but you don't bother... I still let you... I really don't know what got into my head till I can let you puff in my car... I never like people smoking but I fell in love with someone smoking like a chimney... You were smoking a lot last night... I really fell like stopping you but I know you wouldn't like it so I just keep my mouth shut and let you smoke.... I guess this is what love really meant... When you truly love a person, you'll accept the ugly part of that person as well... Erm.. not to that you're ugly ok, baby? But it means your weaknesses. I accept the fact that you do drink like a fish, smoke like a chimney and can be an AWARD WINNING DRAMA QUEEN.... So I don't mind going out with you...sit there quietly and guard over you. You can be as drama as you want... but I will still love you silently... Cause I know that you have a heart too and you can fell it but you just don't say it out...
Finally, when you're about to reach home... You can hold it and you just pop out the statement, 'You want to stay for the night or not? Don't say that I didn't ask you!'.... I know why are you so quiet back then when we were on our way home... You were having dilemma about this. I think you remember that you told me, you needed space and you're working on Sat. :)
I guess somehow, you just like the attention that I gave when you're not feeling well don't you? You'll tell me that you're not well and you actually expect me to react... You want me to pamper you... Last night you were actually having slight headache before bed but you keep quiet. Then you toss and turn and finally you ask me whether I bring the cream with me... I know you want me apply on you. Do you know that you can actually apply it yourself but you didn't. You just let me... Though I didn't on lights but I can see your face and expression ok? :) You can't see me without glasses but I can see you crystal clear.... I saw you smiling and your expression is really happy and you enjoy it... It's like you're being pampered by your sweetheart... I can recognize this look... It's exactly the same when we were still together...
I think you'll be really happy being with me if it's not because of my restriction... You will never ever let me go cause you know that I do love you wholeheartedly and I can accept you as who you are... That's the most important thing.. You know you could count on me no matter cause I will always be there for you... Be it in your job or your family... I'm always there for you...
Though you can never love... I don't mind to be your guardian angel watching silently from afar.... :)
Thursday, 24 November 2011
Quit playing games with my heart
23 November 2011
00:13
I should have post this yesterday but am too tired....
Hey baby,
Last night didn't write to you cause I am literally with you… I can just talk to you. :) I thought we're suppose to draw line… Where's your line, baby? I did draw… When I hold back...you keep coming back… Why? If really follow your character...even though the whole world collapse and you're alone, you will not bother to catch hold of that person whom you've draw line with...especially those who had been in a relationship with you before… but baby… Why? Why you keep coming back to me? You know I still have heart for you. My heart still beating for you… What do you want from me? Are you engulf by loneliness since I really left? You warned me to stop bugging you, don't ever contact you… no calls, no sms… But you breached them all… You come back to me when I'm about to let you go…
I really doubt if you have been reading my blog… It seems like you know I'm backing off somehow… You start to come close to me again… Although right now, you're sitting right in front of me.. I really don't know what reaction to give you… Thus, I just keep quiet… When you're sick, you thought of me… You need someone to care for you… You need someone to be there for you… I know I still have a place in your heart. It's just that you're not admitting it. Your mum just give you a suggestion to look for me but you can actually ignore them.. It's not like you haven't stay alone before… When everytime, I worried about you...You'll tell me off saying that you're old enough to take care of yourself. But why you come back into my arms again luke warm? I can be very ignorant towards you if I wanted too...but I just couldn't. Especially today, when I told you that I might not wanna stay with you tonight… You got real surprise cause you never thought that I would say something like that. Then you used your mum phrase on me saying that your mum asked me to take care of you while she's away…
When I really reluctantly reply you, you finally let the cat out of the bag and said that you wanted me to stay for the night… I just want to hear it from you… When you said it, I know I'll have to sort out my mum who'll be alone tonight. You asked why am I late, and I told you the reason… From your tone and manner, I know deep down in you… you are really touched. But you just gulp it in your feeling… You like having me around but you're just too afraid to love again… I really wished that you'll stop playing games with my heart.. I eventually don't know how to react to you anymore… Though I love you very much...but I guess there should be a time when you should really learn that love is not something that you can keep and throw whenever you like…
I love you a lot but please give me back some dignity… I'm not some kind of fool that you can treat like a toy… I have feelings too… A feeling that you'll never know and understand cause you never try to know me with your heart…
Monday, 21 November 2011
Watching you every night...
21 November 2011
01:24
Hey baby,
These 2 days I really had a good swim. Finally I got the chance to swim all I want without any crowd at the pool. Felt recharged and energized now after didn't exercise for more that a year and a half. Though it's really tired but I do enjoyed it. I like swimming cause it gives me 'peace' of mind. I still hope to teach you how to swim one day. And I will probably joined your sis & bro-in-law at their club to swim with your cute lil niece… I think I'll get her gifts for Christmas.. :)
Last whole week (now it's Monday), I was really really sad & depressed. I really couldn't get over you. Do you know that I weep nearly everyday? Be it day or night, whenever I thought of you...my tears just fell. I couldn't really work to be honest...But thank God, boss wasn't around the whole week so at least I had some space in the office…. I don't felt like talking to anyone except you...Don't fell like meeting anyone but you… Though it's really a painful, hurtful & sad week but I managed to get through it. I should thank you too… At least you spend some time talking to me on Fri...Well, though it didn't went out very well but still I'm better now… My heart no longer that hurt anymore… :)
Actually last week, there's something happening in my family. I tell no one….I thought I'll be fine but the fact is… I'm not… Mum got depression, refuse to listen to anyone & ran off...Having all crappy thoughts to commit suicide… On the other hand, I am still very hurt & depressed over our breakup. GOSH!!! It had been really a crazy week… I really felt like I'm drowning silently and nobody knows it but me. How I wish that I could talk to you about it? You'll know how to console me & cheer me up just like you once did!
It's really hard for me to get you off my mind & HEART especially…. I really don't know why… I wasn't like this before I met you… To me, such a short relationship doesn't worth any heartache or mourning… Like I told you before, I won't let myself get indulge so much with a newly met person… But with you, you broke all my laws and principles… I fall for you real deep and now I FALL REAL HARD! I was actually at your house every single night without fail… Even though I didn't see you but seeing that your car is safe at home, be it your lights on or off...at least I know that you are safe at home now… And I just left… I know I promise you not to 'HAUNT' your house anymore on Fri… but I still did it on FRI night… You were too drunk and I was really worried… Like I said, I actually drove home after you throw your tantrums at me publicly and intended to throw back the ring which I gave you at me…. My love for you and my worries covered my anger...that's why I turned back and drove to your house…
I thought you were probably out last night drinking again last night...well I mean on Sat night but after hearing your sis told me that you were actually at home on Sat night, I was relieved…. I worried you go out drinking with others cause I know you can get out of control sometimes… Please let me know if you want to drink, I'll be there for you… I'll get your back if you needed too… I don't mind not having you being with me...As long as I can be there to watch over you, to guard you, I'm satisfy….
I was there outside your house few hours ago too… Didn't realize that it'll took me about 45 to 1 hour to drove tru-fro my house to yours… All the while I didn't really notice cause you were always in my car. Be it you'll come to mine or I'll just go to yours for the night… We usually go one direction… All these flashbacks are killing me cause I can remember them so clearly…
Baby, I don't know by when I'll stop visiting you secretly at night… but I know when that time comes… I had moved on…
Probably you're right baby… It might takes me 20 years to forget you… :)
You really took away a big chunk of me with you, baby...
Sunday, 20 November 2011
Your family will always be there for you...
Hey baby,
I don't know why i have the impulse to go to church today where usually i don't even if I'm here. I will usually sleep till don't know what time and i'll just went window shopping or clean the house. When we were together, probably right now we're in a mall dating. Then we'll have a fancy lavish dinner. Hhhmmmm... i really missed the good ol' days when we're together... I know that's not gonna happen anymore... Right now, you just hate to see my face...
Anyway, i remembered you told me about your church location...So i just give it a try to locate it. Not knowing when the service start and not knowing the exact place.... Somehow, i guess God doesn't want me to spend my Sunday in vain...I saw your brother-in-law walking to the church and i knew i got it right. So i parked behind his car and attend their service. I met your sisters and nieces... Your sister's friend could recognized me and was surprise seeing me there. They thought of making me feel more at ease by inviting me to sit with them but i told them i'm fine. I sit at one corner. Somehow today, i just don't feel like sitting with any familiar faces. Your sister is really good. You really should appreciate her more... She makes me feel comfortable. And I knew that she'll be the one that could really help you. Not so much of your elder one. I don't know do you feel the same but from my observation, I guess i might be right.
She asked me to stay back after church which i did. And she introduce me to the pastors which that's my intention. I needed help for the youths. They are really helpful and warmth.... Not like those that i've known of. And your sister is really helpful too. She gave me lots of ideas which i can used them next year with her help and others. Today i am really really grateful and thankful. Well, guess going to the church today is not coincidense but i found some ways to solve some problems which i've been facing for quite awhile.
We chatted quite long and your niece still remembers me... She told me that i'm her friend and she likes me too.... What a cute little girl... :) You are trully bless but you just couldn't see it, baby...Do you know that are sisters are so damn worried about you? She told me about you and asked me questions about you.... She asked me how are you doing lately cause you don't turn up for your family gathering... I said you're just busy with your job. Probably just wants to be alone at this point of time... I told her that we kind of less communicate lately cause both of us are busy too... She is soooo worried about you drinking like a fish... She really cares about you but she really don't know how cause you keep pushing them away....
She said she tried giving you lots of love, care and attentions but you just brush them off... I told her that she shouldn't give up on you. Not yet, Not now.... Just like how Jesus standing there beside us and never ever leave us although we keep pushing him to the corner... Because He's our family. Moreover, she is your sister... That is what she should do... no matter how you push her away...she should be always there standing behind you to support you, hold you up whenever you need a hand too... Cause that's what family are for.... She should show you more care and love to let you feel not so left out. I told her right now, you felt like you don't belong anyway.... You're feeling so left out... She does agrees with me and said that i'm right... She should really start playing her part as your sister... Let you know that it doesn't matter what you do or where you are....One thing that you should know is you always have your sisters there for you no matter whatever happen...
I can't be there to watch over you anymore, baby...This is what i can do for you... I guess there have been much misunderstanding between you and your family... Probably one day, all of you should sit down together and have a round table discussion to pull out the thorns that had been there deep in your heart for so long... Your family really love you alot but you just couldn't see it... I do envy you though, baby... They are really there for you when you needed them but mine.... I'll be very glad if they don't pinpoint at me or put me in troubles and i have to clean their mess.... I hope you'll appreciate what your sister are trying to do...
Baby, I hope you'll really grow up this time... You said that you're matured but to me...You are really not... Eventhough in relationship, you said that you're very matured in handling it...but to me you're not at all... You said i'm being immatured but honestly you just don't know what i'm trying to do... I am not that kind of person that like to explain my every action so i just keep quiet and let you think that way.... I know you might be even more angry with me when you know that i step in your family but i have no choice... I have to save you somewhere somehow....from all you negative unhealthy thoughts cause that's bringing you to no where and it's damaging your life without you knowing it but i can see it....
I don't know how to tell you all this...but i can just help you silently and hold you up once more... I'll try to use people around you to help you... I don't expect any reward from you or gratitude...but as long as you can stand up once more and happy, others just doesn't matters to me.... Cause that's what unconditional love means....
There's one thing that you never know about me cause you didn't really use your heart to understand my character....I never ever love someone with condition before.... Cause loving someone with condition will never last.... If you love someone...you'll prefer that person more than yourself....That's me... That's why you felt like I am over caring or care too much...cause never ever in your life...you have someone love you like this before... All those that you've been with before...always wants something from you in return but never for me.. I don't mind helping you nor doing things for you cause i want you to be the most blissful person on earth... You can be the queen and i don't mind doing the rest for you...
Since you can't accept that way...i can't force you... i'll have to let you go on your way but i'll never leave you alone unattended... I'll still be your guardian angel watching you silently from afar and lending you helping hand whenever you need it....
Nothing gonna change my love for you, baby.... I hope your relationship with your family will be better after this... I really hope your sister can help you cause i can't do it anymore....
Take care, baby...
I don't know why i have the impulse to go to church today where usually i don't even if I'm here. I will usually sleep till don't know what time and i'll just went window shopping or clean the house. When we were together, probably right now we're in a mall dating. Then we'll have a fancy lavish dinner. Hhhmmmm... i really missed the good ol' days when we're together... I know that's not gonna happen anymore... Right now, you just hate to see my face...
Anyway, i remembered you told me about your church location...So i just give it a try to locate it. Not knowing when the service start and not knowing the exact place.... Somehow, i guess God doesn't want me to spend my Sunday in vain...I saw your brother-in-law walking to the church and i knew i got it right. So i parked behind his car and attend their service. I met your sisters and nieces... Your sister's friend could recognized me and was surprise seeing me there. They thought of making me feel more at ease by inviting me to sit with them but i told them i'm fine. I sit at one corner. Somehow today, i just don't feel like sitting with any familiar faces. Your sister is really good. You really should appreciate her more... She makes me feel comfortable. And I knew that she'll be the one that could really help you. Not so much of your elder one. I don't know do you feel the same but from my observation, I guess i might be right.
She asked me to stay back after church which i did. And she introduce me to the pastors which that's my intention. I needed help for the youths. They are really helpful and warmth.... Not like those that i've known of. And your sister is really helpful too. She gave me lots of ideas which i can used them next year with her help and others. Today i am really really grateful and thankful. Well, guess going to the church today is not coincidense but i found some ways to solve some problems which i've been facing for quite awhile.
We chatted quite long and your niece still remembers me... She told me that i'm her friend and she likes me too.... What a cute little girl... :) You are trully bless but you just couldn't see it, baby...Do you know that are sisters are so damn worried about you? She told me about you and asked me questions about you.... She asked me how are you doing lately cause you don't turn up for your family gathering... I said you're just busy with your job. Probably just wants to be alone at this point of time... I told her that we kind of less communicate lately cause both of us are busy too... She is soooo worried about you drinking like a fish... She really cares about you but she really don't know how cause you keep pushing them away....
She said she tried giving you lots of love, care and attentions but you just brush them off... I told her that she shouldn't give up on you. Not yet, Not now.... Just like how Jesus standing there beside us and never ever leave us although we keep pushing him to the corner... Because He's our family. Moreover, she is your sister... That is what she should do... no matter how you push her away...she should be always there standing behind you to support you, hold you up whenever you need a hand too... Cause that's what family are for.... She should show you more care and love to let you feel not so left out. I told her right now, you felt like you don't belong anyway.... You're feeling so left out... She does agrees with me and said that i'm right... She should really start playing her part as your sister... Let you know that it doesn't matter what you do or where you are....One thing that you should know is you always have your sisters there for you no matter whatever happen...
I can't be there to watch over you anymore, baby...This is what i can do for you... I guess there have been much misunderstanding between you and your family... Probably one day, all of you should sit down together and have a round table discussion to pull out the thorns that had been there deep in your heart for so long... Your family really love you alot but you just couldn't see it... I do envy you though, baby... They are really there for you when you needed them but mine.... I'll be very glad if they don't pinpoint at me or put me in troubles and i have to clean their mess.... I hope you'll appreciate what your sister are trying to do...
Baby, I hope you'll really grow up this time... You said that you're matured but to me...You are really not... Eventhough in relationship, you said that you're very matured in handling it...but to me you're not at all... You said i'm being immatured but honestly you just don't know what i'm trying to do... I am not that kind of person that like to explain my every action so i just keep quiet and let you think that way.... I know you might be even more angry with me when you know that i step in your family but i have no choice... I have to save you somewhere somehow....from all you negative unhealthy thoughts cause that's bringing you to no where and it's damaging your life without you knowing it but i can see it....
I don't know how to tell you all this...but i can just help you silently and hold you up once more... I'll try to use people around you to help you... I don't expect any reward from you or gratitude...but as long as you can stand up once more and happy, others just doesn't matters to me.... Cause that's what unconditional love means....
There's one thing that you never know about me cause you didn't really use your heart to understand my character....I never ever love someone with condition before.... Cause loving someone with condition will never last.... If you love someone...you'll prefer that person more than yourself....That's me... That's why you felt like I am over caring or care too much...cause never ever in your life...you have someone love you like this before... All those that you've been with before...always wants something from you in return but never for me.. I don't mind helping you nor doing things for you cause i want you to be the most blissful person on earth... You can be the queen and i don't mind doing the rest for you...
Since you can't accept that way...i can't force you... i'll have to let you go on your way but i'll never leave you alone unattended... I'll still be your guardian angel watching you silently from afar and lending you helping hand whenever you need it....
Nothing gonna change my love for you, baby.... I hope your relationship with your family will be better after this... I really hope your sister can help you cause i can't do it anymore....
Take care, baby...
Saturday, 19 November 2011
It hurts...
Hey, baby...
It's been 2 days that i've not been talking to you... I knew you block me from Facebook when I no longer seeing you appearing on my right chat friends panel... You don't need to tell me, i already know...Guess you've forgotten that lately I 'breath eat sleep die' on FB... I purposely post all the messages on FB so that you'll eventually talk to me cause i'm not allow to communicate with you in any ways... I eventually succeeded and u ask me out for a drink to tell me off...
To be honest with you, i've expected all these...That's why i just stay real calm throughout the whole session... You ask me why i got no response... You expected me to cry... Well, you don't really know me enough yet baby... I WILL NOT LET MY TEARS fall in front of anyone especially in public... Cause my tears are actually falling like rain deep inside my heart without you knowing it...I pretend like I'm really happy and carefree... but deep down in me...I'm deeply hurt and wounded...My heart are broken into pieces...
Now, i'm just living on our scattered pieces of memories... I didn't know that you actually saw me walking into your house the other day...I knew you were in the room but wasn't sure if you're that alert...Well, guess you are.... I think I have been a part of your life somehow and you realize that it's kinda hard for you when i'm not around... That's why now, you used all sorts of ways and words to kick me out so that you won't depend on me that much... You also can't accept the fact that you had actually fall for me... I felt it, but probably you'll not agree... Like i told you yesterday, you always had your way out in saying everything... Leaving other people speechless... In my life, i never lost in reasoning with someone but i lost it with you.... It's not that i lost...It's just that i give in to you cause i love you so much and i don't want to 'break your secret'.... I actually know why are you behaving like this... Don't forget...I've learned psychology too....
I know you didn't want to see me... but i really thought that you have left... I know you purposely flirt in front of me...You don't feel good too when i'm being too close with your colleague... The way you push my head is really with force. I know you are somehow jealous... When I wana send you back, you are actually fine with me... You do like it instead but because i mistakenly said that you might be angry with me cause i will not let you drive home...It actually struck your head...on the words you told me yesterday when we had drink during the evening... That's when you start to misbehave and throwing tantrums in public... You can't accept the fact that I was always there with you whenever you needed someone too...
I really thought I could just dump you go home alone...I nearly drove home but i u-turn my car and drive to your house to see if you've reach. When I saw there were police and some cars stopped at the roadside cause of accident, my heart dropped... I thought i was you. So i drove slowly but thank God, it's not you. When i reach your house, i saw your car was well parked and your room lights on, I know you're in safe hand. I just left...
I am starting to let go of you in fact...But it's just that you didn't realize... You thought i am still hitting on you but the fact is I am not. Eventhough you're just my friend, i will still treat you the same way. I will not let anything happen to all the people around me... I will still watch you from afar and guard after you...
You're still close to my heart, baby...
It's been 2 days that i've not been talking to you... I knew you block me from Facebook when I no longer seeing you appearing on my right chat friends panel... You don't need to tell me, i already know...Guess you've forgotten that lately I 'breath eat sleep die' on FB... I purposely post all the messages on FB so that you'll eventually talk to me cause i'm not allow to communicate with you in any ways... I eventually succeeded and u ask me out for a drink to tell me off...
To be honest with you, i've expected all these...That's why i just stay real calm throughout the whole session... You ask me why i got no response... You expected me to cry... Well, you don't really know me enough yet baby... I WILL NOT LET MY TEARS fall in front of anyone especially in public... Cause my tears are actually falling like rain deep inside my heart without you knowing it...I pretend like I'm really happy and carefree... but deep down in me...I'm deeply hurt and wounded...My heart are broken into pieces...
Now, i'm just living on our scattered pieces of memories... I didn't know that you actually saw me walking into your house the other day...I knew you were in the room but wasn't sure if you're that alert...Well, guess you are.... I think I have been a part of your life somehow and you realize that it's kinda hard for you when i'm not around... That's why now, you used all sorts of ways and words to kick me out so that you won't depend on me that much... You also can't accept the fact that you had actually fall for me... I felt it, but probably you'll not agree... Like i told you yesterday, you always had your way out in saying everything... Leaving other people speechless... In my life, i never lost in reasoning with someone but i lost it with you.... It's not that i lost...It's just that i give in to you cause i love you so much and i don't want to 'break your secret'.... I actually know why are you behaving like this... Don't forget...I've learned psychology too....
I know you didn't want to see me... but i really thought that you have left... I know you purposely flirt in front of me...You don't feel good too when i'm being too close with your colleague... The way you push my head is really with force. I know you are somehow jealous... When I wana send you back, you are actually fine with me... You do like it instead but because i mistakenly said that you might be angry with me cause i will not let you drive home...It actually struck your head...on the words you told me yesterday when we had drink during the evening... That's when you start to misbehave and throwing tantrums in public... You can't accept the fact that I was always there with you whenever you needed someone too...
I really thought I could just dump you go home alone...I nearly drove home but i u-turn my car and drive to your house to see if you've reach. When I saw there were police and some cars stopped at the roadside cause of accident, my heart dropped... I thought i was you. So i drove slowly but thank God, it's not you. When i reach your house, i saw your car was well parked and your room lights on, I know you're in safe hand. I just left...
I am starting to let go of you in fact...But it's just that you didn't realize... You thought i am still hitting on you but the fact is I am not. Eventhough you're just my friend, i will still treat you the same way. I will not let anything happen to all the people around me... I will still watch you from afar and guard after you...
You're still close to my heart, baby...
Thursday, 17 November 2011
I wish to be there for you...
Hey baby,
I hope you are feeling better today. Knowing that you are sick yesterday really worries me....After the call, I drove to your house to see if you are ok...I really wish that i could step out of the car, walk into your room, touching your forehead to check if your fever is ok. I still remember how sick you were back then a month ago. You were sleeping in my arm for 3 days until you are well. All these memories are still very clear in my mind. I wish i could do that again but I know you will not want it anymore... Hearing your voice last night i can imagine how's your look.... :)
Silly me for buying you a pack of ciggi and sweets while you are sick. Sowie, baby... I didn't know that you are sick. I left it in your jacket. Bought you 2 tubes of toothpaste too. I know yours probably running low by now cause i bought that for you previously and i doubt that your mum will buy that toothpaste for you. I left them in your drawer where you used to put your handbag.
Anyway, i will probably drop by your house during lunch or maybe after work to check on you. You probably might not want to see me but I don't give a damn anymore.... Been caring too much about how people felt but no one ever bother about how I feel.... I am also human... I got emotions and tantrums too but who will understand that...
I missed you terribly but i can't let you know....My heart broken into pieces and the pain doesn't goes off but nobody knows it but me...And now, I got a runaway mum to attend... Baby, how i wish you are here... I really feel like breaking down now... But i couldn't.... I just realized that no one really be there for me when i really needed someone too... Anyway, you take real good care of yourself baby...Rest more and get well soon....
I hope you are feeling better today. Knowing that you are sick yesterday really worries me....After the call, I drove to your house to see if you are ok...I really wish that i could step out of the car, walk into your room, touching your forehead to check if your fever is ok. I still remember how sick you were back then a month ago. You were sleeping in my arm for 3 days until you are well. All these memories are still very clear in my mind. I wish i could do that again but I know you will not want it anymore... Hearing your voice last night i can imagine how's your look.... :)
Silly me for buying you a pack of ciggi and sweets while you are sick. Sowie, baby... I didn't know that you are sick. I left it in your jacket. Bought you 2 tubes of toothpaste too. I know yours probably running low by now cause i bought that for you previously and i doubt that your mum will buy that toothpaste for you. I left them in your drawer where you used to put your handbag.
Anyway, i will probably drop by your house during lunch or maybe after work to check on you. You probably might not want to see me but I don't give a damn anymore.... Been caring too much about how people felt but no one ever bother about how I feel.... I am also human... I got emotions and tantrums too but who will understand that...
I missed you terribly but i can't let you know....My heart broken into pieces and the pain doesn't goes off but nobody knows it but me...And now, I got a runaway mum to attend... Baby, how i wish you are here... I really feel like breaking down now... But i couldn't.... I just realized that no one really be there for me when i really needed someone too... Anyway, you take real good care of yourself baby...Rest more and get well soon....
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
Same place different feeling
14th Nov, Mon (15th Nov, 00.51am)
Baby…I know you went to Pavilion, probably is a lounge or pub like overtime. You posted up on FB, maybe it’s to let me know your whereabout… I don’t know…Maybe I’m being over sensitive…. Though you didn’t say who you are with but I can guess you are with your lifetime best friend…You and I know who that person is… J
I bought a FM modulator today. Mine suddenly spoilt last night when I started to drive back. I got to play all the songs that sang about break ups… I learned Chinese so that I could sing to you when we so happen to go sing K again… I drove to a place where both of us would like to hang out together when we are free….but we only managed to went there twice…
I took the wrong turn again this time. Just like the first time when I’m trying to go Mont Kiara from my place…Mistaken taken the route to Damansara… Last time was with you but this time…I was all alone… Drove all the way to 1 U and u-turn back… Finally reach the place or to say our fav hangout place besides Library. Lan Tian by Ah Mei, Nicholas Teo Not Much and Just Love You Too Much by….. were playing in my car…My heart was so pain and full with sorrow…. My tears just fell… The images of us keep appearing in my mind….
Finally reached that place…Just ordered one pint & a fries…but this time…I smoke…I bought a pack of your fav ciggi….Thought of giving you but at that moment…I just wans smoke and drink….. Sit there all alone…listening to their live band singing all the sad love songs… Sat till about 11something, I’m kinda worry about you cause you were out as well… I thought of texting you but I hold back…Finally, I text your lifetime buddy. She replied and I got to know that you are safe and sound with minimal alcohol… I was relieved….Anyway, I still went to your house and saw that your lights were off….I know you are sleeping sweet and sound….
I drove off and I came home. Along the way, my tears just wouldn’t stop…I don’t know why am I still so hurt…I thought I can let go of you… I thought I did but apparently…I can’t…. I miss you a lot, baby….. Though I was the same place where we used to laugh, hug and stare at each other but the feeling no longer the same…The person whom I used to went with…no longer there with me…
Signing off 15th Nov, Tue, 0120…
Monday, 14 November 2011
Day 5
14th Nov 2011, Monday, GMT 0028
Day 5 without you should be 13th Nov, Sun. But the time I wrote this, it’s already past midnite. I should have reached my house early but I drop by your house. I saw your lights still on with your car park at the side, it’s just like you’re waiting for me park in… I thought I’ll leave but I have the urge to re-visit your house again hoping that you’ll come out to smoke and happen to see me passing by. I make a big turn and pass by your house once more…I knew you are still watching drama, probably your mum is watching tv while your dad is sleeping soundly… You probably playing with the edge of you smelly pillow…. There’s a gush of breath coming up and I really felt like crying…but I didn’t let it out…
Today I was busy updating my FB status, it’s to keep you updated what I’m doing cause I know you’ll be checking on me too…Just as I did it on you but you were too lazy to do all these things. Finally about 3++pm, you updated that you’re at the gym. I very seldom do that, but I guess you and I are having the same thoughts….Just to keep each other updated without talking. I leave you a message at your wall. Probably you wouldn’t like it but I’m just trying to cheer you up.
My bro broke up with his gf of 5 years today… I can felt his pain because I’m still going through the aftermath now…Have been intoxicating myself lately but I just couldn’t get over you yet… I try re-visit all the places that we’ve been together… Though our time together is very short but it seems like I’ve spend a lifetime with you. We did lots of things and went to lots of places together…. We’d spend our birthdays together… At that moment, there’s really nothing in our mind. We maximize our days together… Now…all these are just memories that are still fresh in my mind.
I’ve found a song by Nicholas which I think really suits my feeling at this point… The title is Why Cry? I know I told you that as long as you’re happy, I’ll be just fine. I’m ok with it and you don’t need to worry about me. But somehow I cry…
This song is about why do I still cry? I thought I can withstand. I thought I can stand the loneliness without you… Why do I cry? What is there to cry? And the song goes on….
That is exactly my feeling right now…I thought I can…When you told me that you walk out, I’m ok. I’ll be fine. But I was wrong…
I’m crying for you baby but you wouldn’t know….
Sunday, 13 November 2011
Need You Now...Our very first duet
This song keeps ringing in my mind. I really couldn't get it off... Just like the lyrics in this song, 'Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control, And I need you now...' I kept checking on my phone to see if you'll drop me a msg or ask me if I can talk.... I really wished to pick up that phone and call you...but I couldn't cause I have to respect you... I don't think that I can hold this feeling any longer, baby...
Disappointed...
Baby, I waited for a msg from you whole day but you didn't turn up. I really thought of texting you but I remember you said that you need to be alone these few days....So i just turn off that thought. I finally told someone about us. A very close friend of mine who used to be my EX best friend.
We were sitting near the garden with the water fountain on and she pour me a glass of wine and we chatted. We've not been seeing each other about 4 months now.....we talked almost everything and I told her about you. The more I told her, the more i realized that You and I were too close and now it's real hard for me to pull back...
I was waiting for you to msg me or just drop me a call....But u didn't....I was actually sad and quite disappointed but i should have know better...
Hoping that you'll pick up the phone and text me....
We were sitting near the garden with the water fountain on and she pour me a glass of wine and we chatted. We've not been seeing each other about 4 months now.....we talked almost everything and I told her about you. The more I told her, the more i realized that You and I were too close and now it's real hard for me to pull back...
I was waiting for you to msg me or just drop me a call....But u didn't....I was actually sad and quite disappointed but i should have know better...
Hoping that you'll pick up the phone and text me....
Saturday, 12 November 2011
Reminds me of us...
Hey baby, how are you doing today?
I actually left a pack of ciggi in your jacket this morning. The smell of your strong perfume makes me missed you even more. Baby...i seriously need you...
Used Bangsar road to go home so that I could drop by your house before I leave. Passed by Chinoz. I still remember, we purposely went there to have your tiramisu cake but were sold off and you were disappointed. Your expression is still fresh and clear in my mind. Today the sky is all gloomy and has slight drizzles of rains...makes my heart sinks even more...It's like the sky can feel my heartache...
Drove into the lane where house is...I stop my car 2 houses away from yours just to check whether you are outside...Took a deep breath and I drove passed your house...Saw your car and I know that you are safe and sound at home... You are probably busy watching drama and eating in your room... How i wished you would text me and ask me out for brunch...How i wished you see me passing by... I haven't been eating real meal for the past few days...3 days...i only had 3 meals... One meal a day! I didn't know i can lived with that but i did...Cause i don't feel like eating nor going anywhere...i just wana be locked up and flash back all our good times together...
How can i get over you, baby?
I actually left a pack of ciggi in your jacket this morning. The smell of your strong perfume makes me missed you even more. Baby...i seriously need you...
Used Bangsar road to go home so that I could drop by your house before I leave. Passed by Chinoz. I still remember, we purposely went there to have your tiramisu cake but were sold off and you were disappointed. Your expression is still fresh and clear in my mind. Today the sky is all gloomy and has slight drizzles of rains...makes my heart sinks even more...It's like the sky can feel my heartache...
Drove into the lane where house is...I stop my car 2 houses away from yours just to check whether you are outside...Took a deep breath and I drove passed your house...Saw your car and I know that you are safe and sound at home... You are probably busy watching drama and eating in your room... How i wished you would text me and ask me out for brunch...How i wished you see me passing by... I haven't been eating real meal for the past few days...3 days...i only had 3 meals... One meal a day! I didn't know i can lived with that but i did...Cause i don't feel like eating nor going anywhere...i just wana be locked up and flash back all our good times together...
How can i get over you, baby?
Day 3
Hey, baby...
I should have wrote this yesterday night...but I was too drunk to do anything...I didn't even bath nor brush...i literally lay on the bed when i reached home... I called you is just to have a casual chat actually...nothing else...I didn't intend to call you to talk about us...I just want to hear your voice... When you didn't pick up, i thought you were sleeping so i don't want to wake you up so I quickly hung up.
I remember my promise to you...I did kept it. It's just that you don't understand me...I went to Library...but i didn't get myself drunk or do anything silly...I just had 2 glasses then off i go when the band finished. No doubt i drove to your house but i'm still very sane. I just cry like a baby in my car... I know you are busy and you don't want any personal stuffs to affect you. I understand that. That's why when i thought of getting drunk, i actually remember my promise to you...So i stop.
I don't know what's your intention coming over and sit on my chair and waited for me to come back...I don't understand why you asked me to wait for you at your car when i told you that i left office...You were rushing down...i knew it... You actually love me...but you were too afraid to fall in love...you are afraid of getting hurt once more...
You are constantly angry because...I love you too much and you can't love me back. You did a lot of nasty things to me or say nasty words to me, hoping that i will be angry with but sorry to tell you, baby...that's not me...In my life, I haven't meet anyone that could cause me stay angry for long. Even my very first love that betrayed me to my group of peers, ditched me and be with my friend...I still forgave her and be her friend even till now...When she broke up with my friend, I'm the first that comes to her mind and she called me. I fetched her over to my house for the night and let her chilled out. That's me baby....I don't know how to treat people bad or angry at someone....
I remember every single words that you said to me last night...You asked me why i called? You asked me why i still asked you for dinner? You asked me why i bought you ciggi? You said i will definitely don't like it if you pay me back...You said that I'd promised you that i won't do stupid things....Why i still go to library? I asked you what's wrong going to library...You told me that going to library and get drunk is a stupid thing. I told you that i did kept my promise to you and I didn't do anything stupid. You said you have so much work to focus on lately and you don't want distraction from your personal life. To be honest, baby...You are still human...You are not robot that can be reformat after pushing the reset button...You are still flesh and blood with emotion. What's wrong with letting it out? i hung up your call last night and today i actually feel very terrible...
I'm sorry, baby....Just wished that you'll know... I did kept my promise to you!
I should have wrote this yesterday night...but I was too drunk to do anything...I didn't even bath nor brush...i literally lay on the bed when i reached home... I called you is just to have a casual chat actually...nothing else...I didn't intend to call you to talk about us...I just want to hear your voice... When you didn't pick up, i thought you were sleeping so i don't want to wake you up so I quickly hung up.
I remember my promise to you...I did kept it. It's just that you don't understand me...I went to Library...but i didn't get myself drunk or do anything silly...I just had 2 glasses then off i go when the band finished. No doubt i drove to your house but i'm still very sane. I just cry like a baby in my car... I know you are busy and you don't want any personal stuffs to affect you. I understand that. That's why when i thought of getting drunk, i actually remember my promise to you...So i stop.
I don't know what's your intention coming over and sit on my chair and waited for me to come back...I don't understand why you asked me to wait for you at your car when i told you that i left office...You were rushing down...i knew it... You actually love me...but you were too afraid to fall in love...you are afraid of getting hurt once more...
You are constantly angry because...I love you too much and you can't love me back. You did a lot of nasty things to me or say nasty words to me, hoping that i will be angry with but sorry to tell you, baby...that's not me...In my life, I haven't meet anyone that could cause me stay angry for long. Even my very first love that betrayed me to my group of peers, ditched me and be with my friend...I still forgave her and be her friend even till now...When she broke up with my friend, I'm the first that comes to her mind and she called me. I fetched her over to my house for the night and let her chilled out. That's me baby....I don't know how to treat people bad or angry at someone....
I remember every single words that you said to me last night...You asked me why i called? You asked me why i still asked you for dinner? You asked me why i bought you ciggi? You said i will definitely don't like it if you pay me back...You said that I'd promised you that i won't do stupid things....Why i still go to library? I asked you what's wrong going to library...You told me that going to library and get drunk is a stupid thing. I told you that i did kept my promise to you and I didn't do anything stupid. You said you have so much work to focus on lately and you don't want distraction from your personal life. To be honest, baby...You are still human...You are not robot that can be reformat after pushing the reset button...You are still flesh and blood with emotion. What's wrong with letting it out? i hung up your call last night and today i actually feel very terrible...
I'm sorry, baby....Just wished that you'll know... I did kept my promise to you!
Friday, 11 November 2011
Silently breaking apart
Baby...I know whatever that I do now will not change your mind...I can just watch you from afar hoping that you will take a glimpse of me in return...I know you do have feelings for me but you just ignore it... I will still be waiting for you silently though I am slowly breaking apart... I will not let go of you yet...Not now...I hope tonight you'll enjoy your date... Last week we were happily spending the night with your sis and niece... Don't know when will I still have the privilege to do it again.... I missed the days spending with you...I miss having you around, being with you...
I want you back, baby...
I want you back, baby...
Day 2
11th Nov, Fri, 0001… Clear sky
Well…this suppose to date on Thurs because it’s the 2nd day without you… I just got home not long ago. Left Library about 11pm then I drove to your house. I was at your house just now, baby…I saw your room’s lights on. My car stopped right in front of your house. How I wished you’ll come out to smoke so that I could see you…. I tried to get over you but I just can’t, baby…Baby, I couldn’t! I was all alone at Library…thinking about how we used to be there when we firstly started off… That’s the place when our small little spark became fire. That was the place you just can’t get your eyes off me, baby… Had a couple of drinks and I left… The first place that came into my mind is your house… cause I am so used to going back there now compared to mine… Listening to the song that you used to sing to me…by James Ingram ‘I don’t have a heart’… Rings a bell, baby?
Walk past, Finnegan’s and their band was singing…Lady Antebellum ‘Need You Now’…Makes me more depressed cause that was our favourite song that we used to duet together whenever we go for karaoke…
I can’t hold it anymore and my tears just dropped when I reach the car park… Baby..do you know why I parked there? Cause I want you to know that I’m always there for you whenever you reached office. I purposely put my luggage in front. Just in case, you so happen to peep into my car…You’ll know that I’m always ready to go with you where ever you wana go… Baby…do you know that I’m sinking inside. I tried to be as jovial as possible but to be honest…deep inside of me…I’m just as broken as the scattered piece of glasses….I don’t even know how to fix myself right now…
Do you know how I wish to call you right now? But I promise you that I won’t bother you no more… I just have to keep to that… Baby…do you know that I loved you? Have you ever really loved me? I know you just take me as a flamboyant… I knew it since the beginning…but I don’t mind…cause I just want to be there to protect you…take care of you…and love you… I am breaking apart silently, do you know that baby?
Today when you came over…I actually saw you took a glimpse of me… You want to know whether am I looking at you…I was to be honest…You scent is so strong…that I can smell you coming… I think I am going crazy soon…I think I saw you everywhere… I was sitting at the coffee shop where we used to have our lunch or dinner, having a glass of coffee….I had not been eating for 2 days now… I think I’m going aneroxic soon… but HECK IT!!! I don’t care anymore… How I wished you will pass me by….But I think…we were still destined to be together and I saw you at Zouk… I was nearly hit by a car when I’m heading your way before I saw you and your bestest friend having lunch… I don’t know what reaction should I gave you cause I was so hurt and I was holding back my tears… That’s why I don’t say much…
I thought of having dinner with you but you were in a hurry…I think I know where you are heading to… Slimming right? J I know you are damn busy so I didn’t really disturb you… I had dinner with our colleagues but my heart and mind was thinking about you… I literally saw you everywhere…. How I wished they were you?! I missed you, baby… Can we be like how we used to be? I thinking I’m driving myself crazy thinking about you…. Do you know how hurt I am but I couldn’t tell no one? You were the one and only one that I’ve got…
I’m a little drunk and I’m listening to Lady Antebellum ‘Need You Now’…. How I wish you are here with me, baby? If only you know what I knew… If only you feel what I felt… One day you’ll know…
I love you, baby…
Signing off at 12.32am, 11th Nov, Friday.
Thursday, 10 November 2011
Missing You
Reluctantly woke up this morning at 8.10am. Lying on the bed not willing to get up. Somehow, my mind played the video of your morning routine. How you got up in the morning, sitting on bed with a stone face, wearing your dunno how many inch specs, tie up your hair, fold the blanket and off you go. Brush your teeth and off to shower. If I'm around, you'll say 'Bee, help me iron my dress.' And off you go. I'll be all ready sitting on the couch waiting for you to dress up and make up. The flashbacks were so clear and it's just like watching a movie. That's the disadvantage of having photographic memory. Because I can remember every single thing so clearly. My heart sinks... I do miss you a lot, baby... What can I do to turn back time? I missed all your late night calls before you off to bed. Seeing you still wearing my ring yesterday, I felt better. At least there's a part of me is with you. And our little Odie accompanying you every night when you sleep...
Though I know, the chances of us getting back together is very very slim...but please don't give me a cold shoulder...
I miss you alot, baby...
Though I know, the chances of us getting back together is very very slim...but please don't give me a cold shoulder...
I miss you alot, baby...
Day 1
9th Nov, Wed, 11.13pm: Clear sky
Dozed off last night with Dave Koz music on. I think I shed a little tears while I’m in deep sleep but couldn’t remember cause my eyes kinda dry when I woke up. Turned off the alarm 3 times, learn from my ex baby & reluctantly got up at 8.10am to wash up. Check on her dress that hangs at the balcony & to my surprise the stains gone. Phew! A dress that looks good on her which I suggested her to buy. She got praised from her very best friends when she wore it the first time. Seriously, she does look good! I was wrong saying that she has no poise. After accompanying her shopping for new dresses, and WOW! She does has all the poise she needed which she hide all these while. She looks fantastic with her new dress, hair tied up and high heels on…BAM! She’s like an angel…with her small little dimple! I seen her changed…Literally TRANSFORMED! I went through that transformation with her… A chapter in my life with her that I’ll always remember deeply.
Ok! Ok! Just one dress, I’d write a paragraph about her in dresses. DAMN! I do miss her! And A LOT! Seriously…blogging does help! At least now my heart is not as pain as previous. I have a secret little place to talk about her or telling her about my feelings although I knew that she will not know about this.
To continue my story, I changed into ALL BLACKS from top to bottom and not styling my hair because today I just don’t have the mood to do anything. Anyway, all the while, my personal life doesn’t affect my job cause I will not let anything affect my performance. Even though I got so damn drunk but I will still wake up the next day to work but just a little hangover at work. Low productivity but still producing. Reached office about 9.20am, logon my msn hoping to see her online when she turns in. She came in like usual…obviously later than everyone else but still get her job gazillions of job done on the dot!
Worked as usual but this time no more sudden ‘hihi’ from her in msn, no more ‘buzzing’ on msn when she’s bored, no more ‘smoke date’ in the evening which I guess she smoke less during office hour and no more sudden appearance at my place. I still talk to her like usual cause she said that she wanted a best friend but I realized that she’s not that comfortable talking to me. She just couldn’t face me. Previously, she will look into my eyes, having eye contact with me whenever she talks to me. But today, I realized that she was actually avoiding the eye contact. I tried to be as usual as possible but at the same time follow her lead by not talking to her that much cause I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable. Didn’t talk to her till lunch time cause I was planning to have lunch together but she wasn’t available. Eventually I went out with my boss and we discuss about work.
Back in the office, I keep viewing my msn screen hoping that there will be messages from her like usual but there’s none. Though it’s disappointing but expected. When she walked over, I took a glimpse at her. I knew she was coming because as usual…her voice reached before you could actually see her. She came again in the late evening with her jacket off and that’s when I realized she was in ALL WHITE including her heels. WOW! We were so contradicting. Guess we were having the same thoughts…
Asked her out for dinner, she sounded reluctant saying that she has date but eventually our dinner happened. I just ordered drink without food and she asked why am I not eating… cause usually I will eat a lot. Whatever that she can’t finish, she will gave it to me. That’s how I gained weight. But today I really have no appetite. I guess this is how my body adapt to sorrow that I kept inside silently. Yesterday no dinner and today no dinner as well. In fact, I just ate ONE MEAL today and that’s curry mee with barley drink. No breakfast & no dinner. Don’t know how long will this continue but I hope it won’t be long cause I know I’m just harming my body. It’s not on purpose but my appestats just don’t seem to work anymore.
After the dinner, we walked to the car in silent. But I try to crack the silence with some common questions and she did answer but doesn’t seem comfortable. I can feel that she’s holding back something but she’s not telling me. If she really could accept the breakup and just being friend…this is not supposed to happen. It should be just normal way of talking to your best friend. This is what I’m doing. I’m just doing according to the brief unless she left out certain things on her brief… I can see from her eyes that she’s really really worn out. How I wished to tell her that ‘Baby, why don’t you come to mine tonight or I go to yours so that I could give you a good rub and massage at the back?’ Well, that what we used to do back then even on last Sunday. But that phrase just couldn’t come out cause I remember very clearly my promise to her. All I can do is watching her get into the car with exhaustion. She wasn’t looking at me when she said bye and waved at me with her back. Probably looking at me makes her feel worse so I just got into my car and drove off with her.
I wished I could help her. I know how frustrated, exhausted and busy she is but there’s nothing I could do to ease her. All I can do is watching her from afar hoping I could stretch my arms out for her on certain things. I don’t mind if she asked me massage her and I drove off after that… To me, love is not about being together with that person but sometimes is about being there for the one that you love even though you know that that person will not love you back. It doesn’t matter if that someone you love is not yours but looking at that someone you love being happy… That’s when you’ll have the satisfaction. Especially after you have help the one you loved.
To many people, this might sounds kinda stupid but for me…The one that I love is always more important than me. No matter how hurt I am or how broken I am, I will still make sure that my baby will not get hurt or broken down. My day 1 without her is not that bad though. I still managed to pull it through. Though I wished that she would change her mind again but I guess she’s pretty determined this time. All I can do is respect her decision and support her to go through this period. I know it’s not gonna be easy for her too. I guess somewhere somehow she still miss me but she just have to deal with it because it’s her call. I just accept without any debate. I am sure we’re gonna ring the wedding bell if….. but too bad… I just can see her walked away…
PS: Baby, I just want you to know that my heart still beats for you, sink for you and all you have to do is call on me and I’ll be there for you…
Signing off at 1.35am, 10th Nov Thurs.
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
Once Bitten But Not Shy
*Wrote this last night. Some repeatition from the above. But HECK IT! It's my blog...
8th Nov, Tue, 10.59pm: Gloomy day. Currently listening to Dave Koz album which was once frequently played when my baby was here at this little secret home of ours.
This is my very first blog after retiring for 3 years. Welcome back to myself. I finally re-realize again the reason I started a blog back then. To honest to myself, I don’t have much people that I can pour my heart out. But I keep deceiving myself that NO! I got tones of FRIENDS that I can talk to. Yeap. Friends…I have plenty…All are nice people and are very willing to listen. Guess the problem lies in me. I DON’T TRUST PEOPLE! Not even my closest bloodline…THE ONE WHO GIVE BIRTH TO ME!
My bestest friend ever…is always my beloved baby… I can trust them fully and will not hold back a single thing about myself. I show them the real me. I have been wearing mask everywhere I go and I just want to be myself in front of my loved ones. I am literally ‘naked’ in front of them. They can just read me like a book. I will pour my heart out to them, be it family affairs, work, friends or whatever, happy or sad...My baby is always the first to know cause they are the bestest friend and most trustable person in my life.
I am just a simple straight forward person. I don’t simply give the key to the door of my heart cause I am just too vulnerable & fragile. But when I love a person, I’ll make sure I give my other half the best I could & all I can. I will be too into my loved ones or one should say ‘head over heels’. Just as long as my baby is happy, nothing else matters. I know this sounded scary or rather stupid but that’s my weakness & also my strength. Be it TIME, ATTENTION, PATIENCE, CARE, LOVE, anything…Just name whatever you have in a relationship, I’m sure to give the best I could. Cause for me…I wanna leave my very best behind with my loved ones if one day I didn’t get the chance to wake up again.
I don’t want to hold regrets when I woke up on the other side of the world one day knowing that the last word that I leave with my loved ones is not ‘I LOVE YOU’. I used to have a friend who is in love with this girl but he wasn’t sure about her. I told him to put up his guts and tell the girl. 1 month later, he died in a terrible crash after sending this girl back to her house which is quite far from his. I don’t know what was his last word but I’m sure that girl will never ever hear that THREE MAGICAL words from him anymore. If the girl was really in love with him, she will definitely be devastated.
That’s why I have this habit saying I Love You everyday to my baby. Kissing her forehead, nose and lips every night before bed is to let her know that how much I care & love her. A kiss end at lips is to seal a promise with her telling her that ‘I will always love you and be here for you anytime’. This might sound silly but that’s the way I show her how much she meant to me which I don’t think she knows the meaning even until today. But it doesn’t matter more cause she’s gone… I am out of her league…
Many people talks about having six sense. They know things even before they actually happen. For me, I think it shouldn’t be describe as six sense. It should be instinct to be more precise cause six sense is more like sensing the dead or beyond the normal realm. Well, that’s just my opinion.
My instinct never fails me. True enough, the cat was let out of the bag once more. One year ago, on the day of my birthday…my ex left me. One year later, this someone special came into my life on the same day my ex left. She has her own attraction and special in her own way where most people can’t see. She is literally not in my selection list. She smokes like chimney when I first knew her for about a year before we started off… She drinks like a fish and swear like nobody business. But somehow she attracted me…I don’t know how and why I fell in love with her. I told her is because of her nice strong sexy voice….but finally I found out…It’s because she has a very good heart. It’s her heart that I felt. I kept the key to my heart in the safe box for a year but somehow I drop it and she picked it up. She naturally opens the lock and enters into my heart. Somehow the door lock and she was kept safe inside.
I will tell more about our short but exciting journey in my next blog but tonight I just wanna let my devastation out of my tight chest. She left me 41 days ago but she came back in 5 days later. The first time she left, my heart was literally ripped apart alive. I gave her my whole heart because she asked me to but eventually she can’t take it, she just rammed the door and ran away with the key. The door to my heart was left open for her. I got myself so drunk till I ring her up in the middle of the night and not registering what I’ve told her till she had to replay my script leaving me feeling so embarrassed. We laughed it through somehow and we got back together until today…
For the past one month, we did lots of things together and spending most of our time together…either she’ll be at mine or I’ll be at hers. I enjoyed being around her. I even plan to rent a studio so that she can have a small secret place where she can run to when she don’t feel like going home. We’ll go shop for goods & furniture together. Though it’s not a stay in place but it will be a refugee camp for her. My love for her grew even stronger than I thought. When she returns to my heart, I told myself not to put in anymore feelings in. Whatever left, it’s sufficient for her to survive in this relationship for the time being. But I just couldn’t hold myself and I gave her even more than previous. I knew she’ll hurt me once more…but I couldn’t be bothered cause I DON’T WANT TO HURT HER but ONLY TO LOVE HER & SHOWER HER WITH MY CARE. Love goes against my sanity.
I noticed something amiss but I don’t want to confront her. I don’t want to complicate things but just to enjoy every single moment that I can spend with her and calling her baby legally with her calling me ‘bee’. Time to me is like the sand inside the sand clock after realizing that she’s pushing me away once more. Yesterday after dropping her off…I knew she needed time off. Cause that’s the exact expression which I still recall back then. I didn’t call nor text her after the text that I send when I drove off her house telling her to take some food when she woke up as she hasn’t been eating the whole. Today she didn’t return any of my messages which usually she does.
After knowing her for quite some time though it’s not long but I can read her like a book. Usually I’ll walk her to her car, hang around for awhile, waiting for her to finish her ciggi then I’ll go off. But tonight she just waved and said bye. My instinct did happened. She called while she was driving back and told me that she wana chill out from this relationship. I expected it so I didn’t give much respond. She gave me an answer which I already expected. She told me to promise her not to do anything stupid and I just say ok. I know if I loved her, I should not let her worrying about me when she got tonnes of things going I her mind. I loved her till I hold back all my sorrows and pains when she was talking to me on the phone. She still wants us to be very good friends and we actually were, back then before we started off. This I promise her.
I know no matter how much I loved her, it will not change her mind now. I will just be whoever that she needs cause I just couldn’t be mad at her. I love her too much to even find a flaw in her. To her, I might be the least perfect but to me I found perfection in her imperfect. My tears just won’t stop falling when I saw the place where she used to lie. The flashbacks of us cuddling, tickling, laughing and doing things together keep playing in my mind. I should be mad at her but I can’t cause I loved her more than myself. I will do whatever it takes, just as long as she stop being angry at herself.
Though tonight I am damn hurt and sad, weeping like a baby…but I will not stop loving you. I will be your guardian angel watching you from afar, helping you whenever you needed an outstretched arm. I will always be there for you, baby!
Signing off at 12.53am, Wed 9th Nov
Welcome To Secret Time Capsule
Before I start, here is a little intro about the creation of this blog...
I used to be a blogger before I attacked by a 'lazy bug' and eventually I stop to blog. Lazy bug is one of the reason but the main reason is... I have found someone whom I can trust. Someone whom I am willing to give my all... And that someone special became my blogging spot.
The reason I blog is because I have problem in trusting people. I trust no one and eventhough some are considered as my best friends but I will still put on a mask in front of them. I only take off my mask when I'm alone or being with that someone special. That someone special walk out of my life and never return a year ago but I'm very lucky..... Another someone special walk in on the same day my ex walked out.
I don't know whether is it a blessing in disguise or I'm just being stupid. This blessing in disguise doesn't last very long... We broke off after 2 months but get back together again. And now, here I am... which means...she walked out of my life again. The first time, I was in a mess and totally wasted. But today...I can just accept the fact that she walked out...I had to thank her... She changed me and changed my perception about a relationship. No doubt I loved her a lot...and trust me...that ALOT is really really ALOT... I will jump the cliff for her if needed to... at the end of the day, I just want her to be happy. Nothing else matters...
Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be with her physically but as long as she's happy then you will happy and satisfied. Can be there for her whenever she needed you...that's a blessing. True love is also about letting go... I needed a place to let it all out cause my blogging spot no longer available. That's how this blog starts.
This is the chapter of my life...
I used to be a blogger before I attacked by a 'lazy bug' and eventually I stop to blog. Lazy bug is one of the reason but the main reason is... I have found someone whom I can trust. Someone whom I am willing to give my all... And that someone special became my blogging spot.
The reason I blog is because I have problem in trusting people. I trust no one and eventhough some are considered as my best friends but I will still put on a mask in front of them. I only take off my mask when I'm alone or being with that someone special. That someone special walk out of my life and never return a year ago but I'm very lucky..... Another someone special walk in on the same day my ex walked out.
I don't know whether is it a blessing in disguise or I'm just being stupid. This blessing in disguise doesn't last very long... We broke off after 2 months but get back together again. And now, here I am... which means...she walked out of my life again. The first time, I was in a mess and totally wasted. But today...I can just accept the fact that she walked out...I had to thank her... She changed me and changed my perception about a relationship. No doubt I loved her a lot...and trust me...that ALOT is really really ALOT... I will jump the cliff for her if needed to... at the end of the day, I just want her to be happy. Nothing else matters...
Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be with her physically but as long as she's happy then you will happy and satisfied. Can be there for her whenever she needed you...that's a blessing. True love is also about letting go... I needed a place to let it all out cause my blogging spot no longer available. That's how this blog starts.
This is the chapter of my life...
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