*Wrote this last night. Some repeatition from the above. But HECK IT! It's my blog...
8th Nov, Tue, 10.59pm: Gloomy day. Currently listening to Dave Koz album which was once frequently played when my baby was here at this little secret home of ours.
This is my very first blog after retiring for 3 years. Welcome back to myself. I finally re-realize again the reason I started a blog back then. To honest to myself, I don’t have much people that I can pour my heart out. But I keep deceiving myself that NO! I got tones of FRIENDS that I can talk to. Yeap. Friends…I have plenty…All are nice people and are very willing to listen. Guess the problem lies in me. I DON’T TRUST PEOPLE! Not even my closest bloodline…THE ONE WHO GIVE BIRTH TO ME!
My bestest friend ever…is always my beloved baby… I can trust them fully and will not hold back a single thing about myself. I show them the real me. I have been wearing mask everywhere I go and I just want to be myself in front of my loved ones. I am literally ‘naked’ in front of them. They can just read me like a book. I will pour my heart out to them, be it family affairs, work, friends or whatever, happy or sad...My baby is always the first to know cause they are the bestest friend and most trustable person in my life.
I am just a simple straight forward person. I don’t simply give the key to the door of my heart cause I am just too vulnerable & fragile. But when I love a person, I’ll make sure I give my other half the best I could & all I can. I will be too into my loved ones or one should say ‘head over heels’. Just as long as my baby is happy, nothing else matters. I know this sounded scary or rather stupid but that’s my weakness & also my strength. Be it TIME, ATTENTION, PATIENCE, CARE, LOVE, anything…Just name whatever you have in a relationship, I’m sure to give the best I could. Cause for me…I wanna leave my very best behind with my loved ones if one day I didn’t get the chance to wake up again.
I don’t want to hold regrets when I woke up on the other side of the world one day knowing that the last word that I leave with my loved ones is not ‘I LOVE YOU’. I used to have a friend who is in love with this girl but he wasn’t sure about her. I told him to put up his guts and tell the girl. 1 month later, he died in a terrible crash after sending this girl back to her house which is quite far from his. I don’t know what was his last word but I’m sure that girl will never ever hear that THREE MAGICAL words from him anymore. If the girl was really in love with him, she will definitely be devastated.
That’s why I have this habit saying I Love You everyday to my baby. Kissing her forehead, nose and lips every night before bed is to let her know that how much I care & love her. A kiss end at lips is to seal a promise with her telling her that ‘I will always love you and be here for you anytime’. This might sound silly but that’s the way I show her how much she meant to me which I don’t think she knows the meaning even until today. But it doesn’t matter more cause she’s gone… I am out of her league…
Many people talks about having six sense. They know things even before they actually happen. For me, I think it shouldn’t be describe as six sense. It should be instinct to be more precise cause six sense is more like sensing the dead or beyond the normal realm. Well, that’s just my opinion.
My instinct never fails me. True enough, the cat was let out of the bag once more. One year ago, on the day of my birthday…my ex left me. One year later, this someone special came into my life on the same day my ex left. She has her own attraction and special in her own way where most people can’t see. She is literally not in my selection list. She smokes like chimney when I first knew her for about a year before we started off… She drinks like a fish and swear like nobody business. But somehow she attracted me…I don’t know how and why I fell in love with her. I told her is because of her nice strong sexy voice….but finally I found out…It’s because she has a very good heart. It’s her heart that I felt. I kept the key to my heart in the safe box for a year but somehow I drop it and she picked it up. She naturally opens the lock and enters into my heart. Somehow the door lock and she was kept safe inside.
I will tell more about our short but exciting journey in my next blog but tonight I just wanna let my devastation out of my tight chest. She left me 41 days ago but she came back in 5 days later. The first time she left, my heart was literally ripped apart alive. I gave her my whole heart because she asked me to but eventually she can’t take it, she just rammed the door and ran away with the key. The door to my heart was left open for her. I got myself so drunk till I ring her up in the middle of the night and not registering what I’ve told her till she had to replay my script leaving me feeling so embarrassed. We laughed it through somehow and we got back together until today…
For the past one month, we did lots of things together and spending most of our time together…either she’ll be at mine or I’ll be at hers. I enjoyed being around her. I even plan to rent a studio so that she can have a small secret place where she can run to when she don’t feel like going home. We’ll go shop for goods & furniture together. Though it’s not a stay in place but it will be a refugee camp for her. My love for her grew even stronger than I thought. When she returns to my heart, I told myself not to put in anymore feelings in. Whatever left, it’s sufficient for her to survive in this relationship for the time being. But I just couldn’t hold myself and I gave her even more than previous. I knew she’ll hurt me once more…but I couldn’t be bothered cause I DON’T WANT TO HURT HER but ONLY TO LOVE HER & SHOWER HER WITH MY CARE. Love goes against my sanity.
I noticed something amiss but I don’t want to confront her. I don’t want to complicate things but just to enjoy every single moment that I can spend with her and calling her baby legally with her calling me ‘bee’. Time to me is like the sand inside the sand clock after realizing that she’s pushing me away once more. Yesterday after dropping her off…I knew she needed time off. Cause that’s the exact expression which I still recall back then. I didn’t call nor text her after the text that I send when I drove off her house telling her to take some food when she woke up as she hasn’t been eating the whole. Today she didn’t return any of my messages which usually she does.
After knowing her for quite some time though it’s not long but I can read her like a book. Usually I’ll walk her to her car, hang around for awhile, waiting for her to finish her ciggi then I’ll go off. But tonight she just waved and said bye. My instinct did happened. She called while she was driving back and told me that she wana chill out from this relationship. I expected it so I didn’t give much respond. She gave me an answer which I already expected. She told me to promise her not to do anything stupid and I just say ok. I know if I loved her, I should not let her worrying about me when she got tonnes of things going I her mind. I loved her till I hold back all my sorrows and pains when she was talking to me on the phone. She still wants us to be very good friends and we actually were, back then before we started off. This I promise her.
I know no matter how much I loved her, it will not change her mind now. I will just be whoever that she needs cause I just couldn’t be mad at her. I love her too much to even find a flaw in her. To her, I might be the least perfect but to me I found perfection in her imperfect. My tears just won’t stop falling when I saw the place where she used to lie. The flashbacks of us cuddling, tickling, laughing and doing things together keep playing in my mind. I should be mad at her but I can’t cause I loved her more than myself. I will do whatever it takes, just as long as she stop being angry at herself.
Though tonight I am damn hurt and sad, weeping like a baby…but I will not stop loving you. I will be your guardian angel watching you from afar, helping you whenever you needed an outstretched arm. I will always be there for you, baby!
Signing off at 12.53am, Wed 9th Nov
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