Day 1

9^th Nov, Wed, 11.13pm: Clear sky

Dozed off last night with Dave Koz music on. I think I shed a little tears while I’m in deep sleep but couldn’t remember cause my eyes kinda dry when I woke up. Turned off the alarm 3 times, learn from my ex baby & reluctantly got up at 8.10am to wash up. Check on her dress that hangs at the balcony & to my surprise the stains gone. Phew! A dress that looks good on her which I suggested her to buy. She got praised from her very best friends when she wore it the first time. Seriously, she does look good! I was wrong saying that she has no poise. After accompanying her shopping for new dresses, and WOW! She does has all the poise she needed which she hide all these while. She looks fantastic with her new dress, hair tied up and high heels on…BAM! She’s like an angel…with her small little dimple! I seen her changed…Literally TRANSFORMED! I went through that transformation with her… A chapter in my life with her that I’ll always remember deeply.

Ok! Ok! Just one dress, I’d write a paragraph about her in dresses. DAMN! I do miss her! And A LOT! Seriously…blogging does help! At least now my heart is not as pain as previous. I have a secret little place to talk about her or telling her about my feelings although I knew that she will not know about this.

To continue my story, I changed into ALL BLACKS from top to bottom and not styling my hair because today I just don’t have the mood to do anything. Anyway, all the while, my personal life doesn’t affect my job cause I will not let anything affect my performance. Even though I got so damn drunk but I will still wake up the next day to work but just a little hangover at work. Low productivity but still producing. Reached office about 9.20am, logon my msn hoping to see her online when she turns in. She came in like usual…obviously later than everyone else but still get her job gazillions of job done on the dot!

Worked as usual but this time no more sudden ‘hihi’ from her in msn, no more ‘buzzing’ on msn when she’s bored, no more ‘smoke date’ in the evening which I guess she smoke less during office hour and no more sudden appearance at my place. I still talk to her like usual cause she said that she wanted a best friend but I realized that she’s not that comfortable talking to me. She just couldn’t face me. Previously, she will look into my eyes, having eye contact with me whenever she talks to me. But today, I realized that she was actually avoiding the eye contact. I tried to be as usual as possible but at the same time follow her lead by not talking to her that much cause I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable. Didn’t talk to her till lunch time cause I was planning to have lunch together but she wasn’t available. Eventually I went out with my boss and we discuss about work.

Back in the office, I keep viewing my msn screen hoping that there will be messages from her like usual but there’s none. Though it’s disappointing but expected. When she walked over, I took a glimpse at her. I knew she was coming because as usual…her voice reached before you could actually see her. She came again in the late evening with her jacket off and that’s when I realized she was in ALL WHITE including her heels. WOW! We were so contradicting. Guess we were having the same thoughts…

Asked her out for dinner, she sounded reluctant saying that she has date but eventually our dinner happened. I just ordered drink without food and she asked why am I not eating… cause usually I will eat a lot. Whatever that she can’t finish, she will gave it to me. That’s how I gained weight. But today I really have no appetite. I guess this is how my body adapt to sorrow that I kept inside silently. Yesterday no dinner and today no dinner as well. In fact, I just ate ONE MEAL today and that’s curry mee with barley drink. No breakfast & no dinner. Don’t know how long will this continue but I hope it won’t be long cause I know I’m just harming my body. It’s not on purpose but my appestats just don’t seem to work anymore.

After the dinner, we walked to the car in silent. But I try to crack the silence with some common questions and she did answer but doesn’t seem comfortable. I can feel that she’s holding back something but she’s not telling me. If she really could accept the breakup and just being friend…this is not supposed to happen. It should be just normal way of talking to your best friend. This is what I’m doing. I’m just doing according to the brief unless she left out certain things on her brief… I can see from her eyes that she’s really really worn out. How I wished to tell her that ‘Baby, why don’t you come to mine tonight or I go to yours so that I could give you a good rub and massage at the back?’ Well, that what we used to do back then even on last Sunday. But that phrase just couldn’t come out cause I remember very clearly my promise to her. All I can do is watching her get into the car with exhaustion. She wasn’t looking at me when she said bye and waved at me with her back. Probably looking at me makes her feel worse so I just got into my car and drove off with her.

I wished I could help her. I know how frustrated, exhausted and busy she is but there’s nothing I could do to ease her. All I can do is watching her from afar hoping I could stretch my arms out for her on certain things. I don’t mind if she asked me massage her and I drove off after that… To me, love is not about being together with that person but sometimes is about being there for the one that you love even though you know that that person will not love you back. It doesn’t matter if that someone you love is not yours but looking at that someone you love being happy… That’s when you’ll have the satisfaction. Especially after you have help the one you loved.

To many people, this might sounds kinda stupid but for me…The one that I love is always more important than me. No matter how hurt I am or how broken I am, I will still make sure that my baby will not get hurt or broken down. My day 1 without her is not that bad though. I still managed to pull it through. Though I wished that she would change her mind again but I guess she’s pretty determined this time. All I can do is respect her decision and support her to go through this period. I know it’s not gonna be easy for her too. I guess somewhere somehow she still miss me but she just have to deal with it because it’s her call. I just accept without any debate. I am sure we’re gonna ring the wedding bell if….. but too bad… I just can see her walked away…

PS: Baby, I just want you to know that my heart still beats for you, sink for you and all you have to do is call on me and I’ll be there for you…

Signing off at 1.35am, 10^th Nov Thurs.