I know you miss me...

Hey baby,

I wasn't expecting to see you last night since you just had a tiring day travelled back from training for few days. After sending some fruits for your parents, I went back straight to office. Your mum told me that you were sleeping and thought of letting you know that I'm there but I stopped her. I told her that I wasn't there to see you but just to give them the fruits and I'm actually rushing back to office to work. So she send me off to the door.

I didn't thought you would want to go out after a  long day. Since you BLOCK me from FB and you want to act cool by not sms or call me, you still find your way to talk to me... Sametime! I brushed one of our colleague off cause I want to concentrate on the work but eventually I failed to brush you off. Worst still I stop work and go pick you up for a drink. Listening to all your stories and you telling me how tired you are...I knew you wanted my attention. You still wanted me care about you. The funny part is...you showed me your bruised thumb and tell me how you bruised it. Your tone of voice and expression showing that 'Bee, look at my thumb... :(   It hurts'. Well, when I help to press your thumb...Your face showed a sense of happiness.

If according to your character, you wouldn't see me last night. I guess some parts in your heart started missing me after I'd been gone for few days break. You're probably expecting me to put a night at your place so through out the whole journey, you didn't even mention 'Do I want to put a night at your place?' cause you were expecting me to open up but I didn't. At your house, you open all your gates to let me take my stuffs to go in with you but I just stand outside. Your face looked disappointed when I told you that I just wanted to take my laptop. I can hear the disappointment tone in your voice. To be honest, I really wanted to stay but I just don't want to wake you up so early cause I have to go office the next morning. I haven't seen this look from you before even when we were together back then... Probably because all these while I've not turn you down.

I called you awhile ago but you didn't pick up and I thought you don't want to talk to me since you already reply me saying that you're eating already. I'm really glad that you called back. Although I'm quite disappointed that you turned down our date tonight but it's ok. I'll still be right beside you....Near to you... I do hope miracles to happen tonight that you'll change your mind. I really wished to see you tonight. I really am. I hope that I can hold you tight and kiss you once more tonight...

I AM STILL YOURS...

Hey baby,

When you needed help, I will be the first appearing in your mind. I don't mind that you take me on a joy ride or you're just taking me for granted or just taking advantage on me.... For me, as long as can help you solve your problem and you'll have a peace of mind and can make you happy....I'll be satisfied.

To be honest, one of our very close friend told me to brush you off...Saying that I'm really too good... I care about you too much and I forgot about myself. He said that sometimes when we've been too good all the while, people often take us for granted. I think I do agree with him. The problem with me is that whenever I see your message or call, I just couldn't turn you down.

I know that you're not mine anymore, I do get that... But the problem now is... I AM STILL YOURS!

Christmas 2011

Hey baby,

How i wish our hearts can be like these candy canes... This Christmas had indeed make me realized many things in my life... All the ups and downs that I'd gone through. Being with YOU... ALONE...with YOU and ALONE... Now...my heart is still with YOU!

Year 2011 Christmas was kinda interesting and unique for me...Well, at least is not the usual norm that I used to do all those years... Spend a night at yours on 22nd night cause had to help you prepare your training deck. Off to work on 23rd morning while you still sleeping like a cute pretty angel... Loaded all my stuffs in the car cause I wasn't thinking of staying over at yours on 23rd night. Worried that my car engine will wake you up thus I drove off real quick after get started. I went to woke like a zombie cause not enough sleep on 22nd night. In fact, we off to bed at 2.30am and it's 23rd morning. Had a real busy day at work during the 1st half and off I went to shop for Christmas's gifts for you, your nieces and gift exchange gift.

At first I thought of getting you the TOY STORY GREEN ALIEN soft toy from Toys R Us. After much consideration, I drop the idea cause you won't be using it anyway. You had ODIE with you and it's dying there... =P  Walk around the mall for few hours with lots of gifts ideas such as COACH key chain cause you always can't find your car key in your handbag, cash voucher for you to buy dresses, Toy Story Alien puzzle, towel, key holder wallet, COACH name card holder and perfume. I remember seeing your perfume left not much in your changing area so I ended up buying you that.

I have a perfume story to tell which nearly cause my nose to disfunction. I had this idea of getting you a perfume for Christmas for quite some time. I couldn't recall which brand you're using cause I only found HUGO, KENZO and CK Be bottles in your changing room. I thought the perfume you're using was Kenzo cause you mentioned a few times about Kenzo perfume. I searched high and low for your scent.... I memorized your scent eventually. Cause everytime when I passed by one area, I can smell your scent. I thought it was the scent of your cosmetic. Little did I know that, it was the actual perfume scent that you're using. I went from brand to brand, sniffing from perfume to perfume till I can hardly smell anything after that. I still couldn't find it. So I just forget about it and will try to look again on 23rd. Finally I found your scent...

A week before Christmas, I started shopping for you gift. I wanted to surprise by sending you gift while I'm on leave. The only gift that can deliver to you without me being around is flower.  I remember you told me on your birthday when you received the white casablanca with purple wrapping that I actually got you WRONG. Your EXes got you wrong too. You never like casablanca or purple colour. You like sunflower and blue. Navy blue. You said that sunflower gives you a feeling of being happy all the time and cheerful.

So I call up the florist and told her what to send but too bad... She only follow 75% of the brief. That's why I was so eager wanted to see your flower the moment you ask me about it. The wrapper suppose to be BLUE but it turn out green. A little disappointed. But I guess you were quite happy and surprise the moment you received it. I don't know whether you have been receiving flowers at work but I just want you to feel good. I want the rest of the people know that YOU ARE NOT AS WHAT THEY THINK YOU ARE... I was worried to death actually making this step cause you'll either HATE ME for life or YOU'll LOVE IT...But since I've got nothing to lose so what the heck? =)

Flower was just a part of the plan... I planned to send you 3 gifts cause GOOD THINGS come in 3 remember? I think it's kinda fated. I was your secret santa and I just need to squeeze a little brain juice on how to send you another 2 gifts then the idea of GOOD THINGS COME IN 3 can be succeeded! BINGO! Your sis invited me for her Christmas party. I wasn't thinking of passing the final gift personally cause I thought that I might not be seeing you anymore. Well, we're fated to spend this Christmas season together I guess...Somehow, we're gonna meet up on the 23rd night. Got lost while on my way to your sis and waiting patiently for your call. Made the call to you cause couldn't wait anymore and found out that I'm suppose to call. Meet you up at Starbucks 15mins before Christmas Eve's eve and had to help your subord. Thought we can go hang out at bar but you shut me off. Our actual plan was...I meet you up after I finish at your sis and we will go somewhere to snack and drink. But you were too busy to recall....

I was really happy when you told me that you were surprise and shock when you got up and found out that I'd took away all my stuffs. You thought that I'll spend another night at yours. The way you tell me shows you're quite disappointed that I'm not staying at yours. I actually took back my luggage to change for some clean clothes. I knew you'll want me to stay over at yours so I actually packed my luggage. Our Christmas Eve's eve was spend by helping you finishing your work... To me, it really doesn't matter just as long as you're there with me... Had breakfast with you before I left for home on Christmas Eve was the best thing ever happen. Of all these years, I never got the chance to spend any of the Christmas Eve with my loved one and 2011 is the very first year that I got to spend it someone whom I really loved and that's you!

When you woke up, you hit me with ODIE with your expression...you were actually happy to see me on Christmas Eve. Your expression was exactly the same when we were together. The look that being pampered and your gentle flirting voice in the morning made me felt really happy. That was the biggest gift ever that you've given to me and it's on Christmas Eve. You were playing with me on bed just like you used to be.... I really missed the time that we spend together... I really love you,baby...

Got home and busy prepare for the Christmas Dinner Feast. Lots of eating and chatting with family and friends but my heart keep thinking about you. I was wondering how are you doing at your sis? Are you having a good time? Do you enjoyed it? What you get for Christmas this year? And I was waiting for your messages or call actually. My heart was with you at your sis's. Finally i got to call you and found out that you just got home.
Hearing you telling me what you get for Christmas this year on 24th or should I say Christmas day since it's after 12am... What happen at your Christmas dinner? What you plan to do... I'm really happy. Cause somewhere in your heart there's place for me. And I'm really glad that you and your sis are really working out to make things better among you girls... Your ice-cream date should be a good closure for the year 2011...

Thank you for spending those days before Christmas with me...It meant a lot to me...

As Christmas time getting nearer...

Dear baby,

As Christmas day getting nearer...I miss you even more....I'm just wondering whether have you receive the sunflowers that I send you. I hope you'll like it. Keeping silence doesn't mean I forget about you. I missed you a lot more lately... I hope we'll have a great night out on our Christmas Eve's eve. To be honestly with you, there is no place and no one I would rather be with other than you...

Good things come in 3, baby... You have the book, the flower and right now left the last gift that I will give it to you personaly. I really wish to spend a quiet Christmas day with you. Only both of us, lazying on a couch, holding each other tight in front of the fireplace, listening to 'Have yourself a merry little Christmas' and 'Chestnut roasting on an open fire' with a glass of wine on our hand. This will be my dream Christmas.

Baby, if only I could tell you all this... I really wish to spend this Christmas day with you...
Thank you for your present too...Not sure if I will read it but it's your thoughts that count....

I miss you, baby...

Sorry that I love you

Hey baby,

Thanks for coming to my rescue last night. Don't know what I'll be like without you... Sorry to trouble you... I promised this will be my very first & last time... I didn't realize that I actually told you that I love you.... I told myself many many times not to tell u anything about my feelings towards you....The more I control, the more I lost control....  I don't hope for anything but I just wish that you'll be happy... If staying away from me makes you better, I will do it for you.... I thought I'm getting over you but eventually I'm not... I was your secret santa... I knew you could guess it because of all the years, you have not receive anything like that before... I was shopping for you gift for 2 days cause I really dunno what to get for a woman who has everything... But somehow, this book title striked my mind cause i bought one too last year.... I dun know why it keeps appearing...Guess God wants you to read it cause He knows that you're discourage... And i bought it for you... I found 2 books for you but my heart told me to buy this for you... That message on the card...was wrote down especially for you out of inspiration... I hope it'll help you...

This is just your first gift... :)   Good things come in 3. I asked you about your leave because I thought of sending you your favourite sunflower for Christmas when I'm away.... Your 3rd gift will be pass to you by your sister. I don't know whether you'll hate me after this or will appreciate the things that I did for you... I can just hope that you'll put on a smile when you receive those gift...

Sorry that I still very much in love with you, baby....

Anticipation

Baby,

That cute little puppy action, is indeed what I'm doing... I am eagerly waiting to see you... I checked on MSN and Sametime to see if you're online... When i saw you online, I have the urge to text u but i hold back... Cause i duno whether you'll like it... I'm afraid that I might trigger your anger so I just back off... All I can do is 'looking out the window' to see if you've 'come home'... I know you love me no more... It's just me....that still can let go of you....cause you have the biggest chunk of my heart...

Didn't realize that I miss you dearly

Baby,

I saw the bedsheet set that we bought together when we just started dating... My heart dropped a suddenly... It feels like needles and pins poking my heart... My tears suddenly gushed out but I hold it back... I thought I'm doing fine though I've not seen you for a week now... Then I  realize that I'm feeling like this cause deep down in me...I still miss you dearly, baby... This picture indicates my feeling at this moment... Can I have you back, baby?

How have you been doing?

Baby,

I wonder what are you doing lately? Do you still watch HK drama series till late night? Have you done with the series? Do you need new supply? Do you go out lately with your friends? How's your mum? All these questions have been turning in my head lately... My heart skip a beat everytime I thought of you... Today while I was driving home, suddenly i smile in my car... I was thinking about you... I had a flashback of us... How silly you are when you're with me? How adorable you can be? And all the happy moments that we spend... I was happy... 

I'm thinking of you now, baby...

Speechless...

Baby,

When you don't return my message or my call... I got your message loud and clear... You needed time and space and you want time off from me.... I'm sorry that I annoyed you but I didn't mean it.. I just miss you too much... I wished I can cry all out but there's no tears... I am just too broken apart... I just can hope that you'll be back to normal when we meet again... I miss every single moment with you... And I missed how you call me 'Bee...' Today, I'm just speechless... Too many things to say....but too little words that can express my feelings....

My Biggest FEAR...

I have this

OF

BABY

Silent cry...

I'm sorry but I Miss You, baby...

If only you knew....

Baby...

Sometimes I wonder, if only you knew me a little more deeper.... will it change your mind? If only you knew how much you mean to me, will you treat me differently? If only you knew how much I'm willing to give up for you, will it touch your heart? If only you knew that I'm still waiting for you, will you turn back and run into my arms again?

I wasn't expecting any reply from you this morning... You indeed surprise me and lighten up my heart... I've not been sleeping well as I was rushing for a meeting deck whole night. I was kinda piss of with things cause grumpy but your a reply from you...change the whole scenario... I can feel that someplace somewhere in your heart, I am actually there.... If your flight reach at night, you would have ask me to pick you up but just because your flight reach in the afternoon and I'm working so that's why. If I tell you, I will take leave on that day just to pick you up...What would be your response? :)   I still have plenty of days to clear and I just realize it... I wanted to surprise you but I'm afraid that you would not like it... I'm stuck... Can you help me out here, baby?

If only you knew that I would go the extra miles for you...will I be able to hold your hand once more?

If only our hearts are connected...

Baby...

How I wished that we have telepathy ability... Whenever I think of you or miss you... I can just telepath you... Now I'm prohibited from communicating with you... You block me and unfriend me from you FB... but I'm happy that you did try to find me back but you just dunno how to undo that function now.. I thought of teaching you the other but you didn't ask so I just keep quiet... I know you'll ask when you really needed help... Yesterday I was hoping that you'll ask me to stay  but you didn't. You told me that you have lunch but you were lying cause I saw you having a big bowl of instant noodle.. I know you needed time off... So i just leave.. I ended up at OLD TOWN for the past 3 days... :)

I FB your bestest friend on earth... She asked how am I... I told her I'm fine and I just realized that for the past few months, I've just got YOU and YOU ALONE... She gimme a short lecture and I replied her that she sounded like a BIG SIS... She had a good laugh... :)   We're scheduling a dinner to celebrate her birthday... I don't know whether should let you know or not... I'm really exhausted and I wished that you're right beside me now...But I know that's not gonna happen... Sometimes I wished you found me in this blog... But I doubted your GOOGLING ability...  =P

Right now I'm telepathing you... Do you get my message, baby? Have a safe flight tomorrow, baby... Gonna miss you even more... Take care....

All I Want For Christmas is YOU...

Baby...

I want to tell you this long time ago... I wanted to celebrate this year's Christmas with you soooo much... I want to give you everything the best.. I was thinking of throwing a Christmas party in KL this year. I know you always wanted to do something like this, a small house party if you have a home. You will enjoy it.. I don't need you to do anything but just sit back, relax and enjoy it with your friends. I don't mind you invite only your friends cause your friends are mine too now..

I don't know whether you realize this or not but I actually blend into your world... Know the people around you..Getting close with them.. click with them... In fact right now, I am actually closer to your family and friends instead of mine. I don't mind letting go everyone around me to be with yours cause I want to be a part of you. I know if I want to be with you, I have to accept everyone around you. It's easier for me to blend into your world rather than you blend into mine... You actually bring me into your world... When I'm in...you just kicked me out..

Now I'm actually lost.. But i guess you don't realize it as well. I contacted your bestest friend... She seems to be the only familiar face to me right now... I actually really need an ear right now... I know I couldn't tell you cause you'll definitely freak out.. I've seen you... I might me calm and steady but deep down in me...I harbour lots of words that I wanted to say to you...

If Santa really exists...My TOP Christmas wishlist would be you, baby.... All I want for Christmas is just YOU... I want to celebrate Christmas with you.... As Christmas is getting nearer... My feelings sink even more... I MISS YOU BADLY, baby... Though I see you every now and then... but I just couldn't let you know how I feel... Sometimes, i just feel like holding you from behind when you're sitting there watching drama...but i know you wouldn't like it... You know...I am happy when you're sick... This might sound bad but you make me feel that you need me when you're sick... You will want me to pamper you. You will want me to massage you... Put my hand on your forehead to feel whether you're having fever or not.. When you're headache, you will want me to massage your head..

No matter what I do or say right now... I just couldn't get you back into my arms again, don't I baby? GOSH! I finally understand the feeling of my very first EX. Makes me felt like I'm the JERK of the year now... What goes around really comes around! Guess this is 'Do unto others as you want others to do to you'...

Baby... I hope that we really could be together again this Christmas... I didn't tell you this... But I guess I will leave you for real after 3 years... That is why I try me very best to give you the best that i could and spend as much time as i can with you. You probably wouldn't appreciate every single thing that I do for you right now but I guess you'll start to realize this 3 years later when I'm gone...

PS: All I want for Christmas is you, baby... I LOVE YOU...

So near yet so far...

Thurs, 1st Dec... Venue: Baby's palace (Sitting right beside you)

Baby,

I really don't know how should I react or how to express my feelings... Though I'm with you, staying with you but you seems so far from me... I don't know if you are still in love with me but it seems like I still hold on to you too much... Fetching you from airport last night, reminds me of our good times together when we just started. I drove all the way to KLIA to fetch you when you land from Sarawak. You were so surprise and happy to see me at the exit of the arrival. You were really really happy and I do missed that feeling. I still remember that you told me...all these years NO ONE ever FETCH or SEND you to airport when you go on trip. All the while you were trained to be independent by your EXs. But I pampered you and spoilt you... That time you were really glowing with joy and happiness....

From start till now it's not even longer than 6 months... Things change like tornado... You're hot and you're cold at time... Sometimes I really don't know how should I treat you... Ask me to ignore you, I just can't... I just want to be close to you but I know that's not the way... You're probably taking me as a flamboyant but I do take you seriously. I don't mind sending you up and down although your palace and mine it's like at another end of the world. To me, as long as i can be by your side to watch and guard over you...lend you a hand when you needed too.... I'm satisfy.

Getting along with your mum and sisters seems to be much more easier though...  :)  I don't mean that you're hard to handle... Like I told you earlier... being with you is really on a roller coaster ride... You can be at your peak happily and suddenly you can drop till the pit very depressed... Thank God that my patience tolerance level is quite high.... Probably God still thinks that my patience level is not enough thus paired me up with you... My heart is always with you if you realize... I seldom say no to you... unless I really can't... but now I have this question in my mind... Are you taking me for granted? My previous relationship proved that... Being smart and caring is not a good thing at times... I don't know... I don't know what to feel anymore... Right now I'm just walking without a soul... I gave my heart to you but I guess you dumped it away... I don't know...

If you think that I want something from you... You are definitely wrong... You have nothing that I want... It's just that I ACCIDENTLY FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU... I don't regret loving you but I'm starting to feel exhausted... Sometimes I do need your care but... Hhhmmm.... I don't think you'll really understand my character, thoughts or how I feel about you... cause you never tried... I understand you too much now cause I learn about you... I didn't tell you that I was actually very interested in psychology and i read a lot about it... I actually observed you and your family and finally i know why you behave the way you are... Because I understand you too much... that's why I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE....

Though you are very close to me but your heart is just too far away... I wish that I could say 'Baby, I love you' once more...

You knew I LOVE YOU but why I have to...

Baby, I want to hold your hands and hold you tight once more... Loving you silently is driving me crazy.... I wanted to tell you that I still love you a lot but I can't cause you wouldn't let me... When everytime, I got close to you... I wanted to hug you and sniff you like how I used to do... Baby... Can you feel my love for you? 

Your guardian angel...

Hey baby,

How was your outing today? Did your team drive you up the wall again? I hope everything went well with you... Last night I really had a good time...

I didn't thought that I would spend the night with you again. I wasn't intend too. Actually if you don't feel like going out...I'm fine. We can just cancel the date but you didn't want to. I thought we'll have a quick dinner and I'll send you home at about 10pm but eventually we sit and talk till got KICK OUT by the guard thinking that we have problem. Hahaha! What a joke! This is the first time in my life experiencing something like this so ridiculous and it's with you... Hhhhmmm.... Something for me to ponder about. I guess you really give me lots of surprises in my life.

Baby, there's something in me that I don't know how to explain to you. I know you will not love me... I don't know whether you're just playing with me or what... But the feeling that I'm getting from you is that you're neither playing nor serious. Probably you like the attention and care that I shower you with. When suddenly I decided to stop, you felt like kinda not use to it so you head back to me again. You are really driving me nether here nor there... Left me wondering what is going on between us... When I told you that it's ok to cancel, you reluctant. The YOU that I know, will definitely cancel the date if you're damn exhausted and your date is not someone whom you really care. I guess you might worry that you left me feeling disappointed or you really want to see and talk to me about what have you been doing these 2 days since we didn't really talk when you were away.

Well, I do felt happy when you suddenly asked me why I didn't ask you what have you learn for the past 2 days.... It means that you want me to know what happen to you, want me to care about your life... To be honest with you, I do care about every lil bit about you. That's why I bought you ciggarette whenever i found your fav brand. I'm sure you have already run down by the time I give you and you can't really find it. I want you to know that no matter what happens or how you treated me... I really don't mind... I will always be by your side to watch over you and to guard you, not letting any harm comes upon you. Be it rain or shine, whether you're healthy or sick, I'll always be there for you....

When you keep asking me about my luggage in the car... I know you're waiting for me to say that I stand by clothes to go to your house. You were quite disappointed when I just say that I forgot to bring down from my car. Then you asked me is it only dirty clothes inside... Deep down in me I knew that you do have intention to ask me over again. When I told you that it's all clean clothes, you said why I bring luggage... 'Who says want to let you stay?'... Then I answered you back, since when I said I want to stay with you... You were taken aback.... Then you keep quiet.   =P

Do you know that I did it on purpose? You didn't thought that I will actually answer you this way... My answer is out of your expectation... You make me do ridiculous thing again, drive to one mall for 5 mins then to another mall again. Just like previously when you said you want to buy my t-shirt...Find parking for 10 mins then go down not even 15 mins, we leave the mall. This is really not my style... I think I really pampered you too much... But you didn't realize it nor you appreciate it... Seriously, as long as you're happy, others really doesn't matters to me... We had the most expensive sandwiches dinner ever in my whole life. Seeing you enjoying it... really worth paying for...

Our journey back home is kinda still and I enjoy having you sitting beside me... I told you not to smoke in my car but you don't bother... I still let you... I really don't know what got into my head till I can let you puff in my car... I never like people smoking but I fell in love with someone smoking like a chimney... You were smoking a lot last night... I really fell like stopping you but I know you wouldn't like it so I just keep my mouth shut and let you smoke.... I guess this is what love really meant... When you truly love a person, you'll accept the ugly part of that person as well... Erm.. not to that you're ugly ok, baby? But it means your weaknesses. I accept the fact that you do drink like a fish, smoke like a chimney and can be an AWARD WINNING DRAMA QUEEN.... So I don't mind going out with you...sit there quietly and guard over you. You can be as drama as you want... but I will still love you silently... Cause I know that you have a heart too and you can fell it but you just don't say it out...

Finally, when you're about to reach home... You can hold it and you just pop out the statement, 'You want to stay for the night or not? Don't say that I didn't ask you!'.... I know why are you so quiet back then when we were on our way home... You were having dilemma about this. I think you remember that you told me, you needed space and you're working on Sat. :)

I guess somehow, you just like the attention that I gave when you're not feeling well don't you? You'll tell me that you're not well and you actually expect me to react... You want me to pamper you... Last night you were actually having slight headache before bed but you keep quiet. Then you toss and turn and finally you ask me whether I bring the cream with me... I know you want me apply on you. Do you know that you can actually apply it yourself but you didn't. You just let me... Though I didn't on lights but I can see your face and expression ok? :)    You can't see me without glasses but I can see you crystal clear.... I saw you smiling and your expression is really happy and you enjoy it... It's like you're being pampered by your sweetheart... I can recognize this look... It's exactly the same when we were still together...

I think you'll be really happy being with me if it's not because of my restriction... You will never ever let me go cause you know that I do love you wholeheartedly and I can accept you as who you are... That's the most important thing.. You know you could count on me no matter cause I will always be there for you... Be it in your job or your family... I'm always there for you...

Though you can never love... I don't mind to be your guardian angel watching silently from afar.... :)

Quit playing games with my heart

23 November 2011

00:13

I should have post this yesterday but am too tired....

Hey baby,

Last night didn't write to you cause I am literally with you… I can just talk to you.    :)  I thought we're suppose to draw line… Where's your line, baby? I did draw… When I hold back...you keep coming back… Why? If really follow your character...even though the whole world collapse and you're alone, you will not bother to catch hold of that person whom you've draw line with...especially those who had been in a relationship with you before… but baby… Why? Why you keep coming back to me? You know I still have heart for you. My heart still beating for you… What do you want from me? Are you engulf by loneliness since I really left? You warned me to stop bugging you, don't ever contact you… no calls, no sms… But you breached them all… You come back to me when I'm about to let you go…

I really doubt if you have been reading my blog… It seems like you know I'm backing off somehow… You start to come close to me again… Although right now, you're sitting right in front of me.. I really don't know what reaction to give you… Thus, I just keep quiet… When you're sick, you thought of me… You need someone to care for you… You need someone to be there for you… I know I still have a place in your heart. It's just that you're not admitting it.  Your mum just give you a suggestion to look for me but you can actually ignore them.. It's not like you haven't stay alone before… When everytime, I worried about you...You'll tell me off saying that you're old enough to take care of yourself. But why you come back into my arms again luke warm? I can be very ignorant towards you if I wanted too...but I just couldn't. Especially today, when I told you that I might not wanna stay with you tonight… You got real surprise cause you never thought that I would say something like that. Then you used your mum phrase on me saying that your mum asked me to take care of you while she's away…

When I really reluctantly reply you, you finally let the cat out of the bag and said that you wanted me to stay for the night… I just want to hear it from you… When you said it, I know I'll have to sort out my mum who'll be alone tonight. You asked why am I late, and I told you the reason… From your tone and manner, I know deep down in you… you are really touched. But you just gulp it in your feeling… You like having me around but you're just too afraid to love again… I really wished that you'll stop playing games with my heart.. I eventually don't know how to react to you anymore… Though I love you very much...but I guess there should be a time when you should really learn that love is not something that you can keep and throw whenever you like…

I love you a lot but please give me back some dignity… I'm not some kind of fool that you can treat like a toy… I have feelings too… A feeling that you'll never know and understand cause you never try to know me with your heart…

Watching you every night...

21 November 2011

01:24

Hey baby,

These 2 days I really had a good swim. Finally I got the chance to swim all I want without any crowd at the pool. Felt recharged and energized now after didn't exercise for more that a year and a half. Though it's really tired but I do enjoyed it. I like swimming cause it gives me 'peace' of mind. I still hope to teach you how to swim one day. And I will probably joined your sis & bro-in-law at their club to swim with your cute lil niece… I think I'll get her gifts for Christmas..  :)  

Last whole week (now it's Monday), I was really really sad & depressed. I really couldn't get over you. Do you know that I weep nearly everyday? Be it day or night, whenever I thought of you...my tears just fell.  I couldn't really work to be honest...But thank God, boss wasn't around the whole week so at least I had some space in the office…. I don't felt like talking to anyone except you...Don't fell like meeting anyone but you… Though it's really a painful, hurtful & sad week but I managed to get through it. I should thank you too… At least you spend some time talking to me on Fri...Well, though it didn't went out very well but still I'm better now… My heart no longer  that hurt anymore…  :)

Actually last week, there's something happening in my family. I tell no one….I thought I'll  be fine but the fact is… I'm not… Mum got depression, refuse to listen to anyone & ran off...Having all crappy thoughts to commit suicide… On the other hand, I am still very hurt & depressed over our breakup. GOSH!!! It had been really a crazy week… I really felt like I'm drowning silently and nobody knows it but me. How I wish that I could talk to you about it? You'll know how to console me & cheer me up just like you once did!

It's really hard for me to get you off my mind & HEART especially…. I really don't know why… I wasn't like this before I met you… To me, such a short relationship doesn't worth any heartache or mourning… Like I told you before, I won't let myself get indulge so much with a newly met person… But with you, you broke all my laws and principles… I fall for you real deep and now I FALL REAL HARD! I was actually at your house every single night without fail… Even though I didn't see you but seeing that your car is safe at home, be it your lights on or off...at least I know that you are safe at home now… And I just left… I know I promise you not to 'HAUNT' your house anymore on Fri… but I still did it on FRI night… You were too drunk and I was really worried… Like I said, I actually drove home after you throw your tantrums at me publicly and intended to throw back the ring which I gave you at me….  My love for you and my worries covered my anger...that's why I turned back and drove to your house…

I thought you were probably out last night drinking again last night...well I mean on Sat night but after hearing your sis told me that you were actually at home on Sat night, I was relieved…. I worried you go out drinking with others cause I know you can get out of control sometimes… Please let me know if you want to drink, I'll be there for you… I'll get your back if you needed too… I don't mind not having you being with me...As long as I can be there to watch over you, to guard you, I'm satisfy….

I was there outside your house few hours ago too… Didn't realize that it'll took me about 45 to 1 hour to drove tru-fro my house to yours… All the while I didn't really notice cause you were always in my car. Be it you'll come to mine or I'll just go to yours for the night… We usually go one direction… All these flashbacks are killing me cause I can remember them so clearly…

Baby, I don't know by when I'll stop visiting you secretly at night… but I know when that time comes… I had moved on…

Probably you're right baby… It might takes me 20 years to forget you… :)

You really took away a big chunk of me with you, baby...

Your family will always be there for you...

Hey baby,

I don't know why i have the impulse to go to church today where usually i don't even if I'm here. I will usually sleep till don't know what time and i'll just went window shopping or clean the house. When we were together, probably right now we're in a mall dating. Then we'll have a fancy lavish dinner. Hhhmmmm... i really missed the good ol' days when we're together... I know that's not gonna happen anymore... Right now, you just hate to see my face...

Anyway, i remembered you told me about your church location...So i just give it a try to locate it. Not knowing when the service start and not knowing the exact place.... Somehow, i guess God doesn't want me to spend my Sunday in vain...I saw your brother-in-law walking to the church and i knew i got it right. So i parked behind his car and attend their service. I met your sisters and nieces... Your sister's friend could recognized me and was surprise seeing me there. They thought of making me feel more at ease by inviting me to sit with them but i told them i'm fine. I sit at one corner. Somehow today, i just don't feel like sitting with any familiar faces. Your sister is really good. You really should appreciate her more... She makes me feel comfortable. And I knew that she'll be the one that could really help you. Not so much of your elder one. I don't know do you feel the same but from my observation, I guess i might be right.

She asked me to stay back after church which i did. And she introduce me to the pastors which that's my intention. I needed help for the youths. They are really helpful and warmth.... Not like those that i've known of. And your sister is really helpful too. She gave me lots of ideas which i can used them next year with her help and others. Today i am really really grateful and thankful. Well, guess going to the church today is not coincidense but i found some ways to solve some problems which i've been facing for quite awhile.

We chatted quite long and your niece still remembers me... She told me that i'm her friend and she likes me too.... What a cute little girl... :)   You are trully bless but you just couldn't see it, baby...Do you know that are sisters are so damn worried about you? She told me about you and asked me questions about you.... She asked me how are you doing lately cause you don't turn up for your family gathering... I said you're just busy with your job. Probably just wants to be alone at this point of time... I told her that we kind of less communicate lately cause both of us are busy too... She is soooo worried about you drinking like a fish... She really cares about you but she really don't know how cause you keep pushing them away....

She said she tried giving you lots of love, care and attentions but you just brush them off... I told her that she shouldn't give up on you. Not yet, Not now.... Just like how Jesus standing there beside us and never ever leave us although we keep pushing him to the corner... Because He's our family. Moreover, she is your sister... That is what she should do... no matter how you push her away...she should be always there standing behind you to support you, hold you up whenever you need a hand too... Cause that's what family are for.... She should show you more care and love to let you feel not so left out. I told her right now, you felt like you don't belong anyway.... You're feeling so left out... She does agrees with me and said that i'm right... She should really start playing her part as your sister... Let you know that it doesn't matter what you do or where you are....One thing that you should know is you always have your sisters there for you no matter whatever happen...

I can't be there to watch over you anymore, baby...This is what i can do for you... I guess there have been much misunderstanding between you and your family... Probably one day, all of you should sit down together and have a round table discussion to pull out the thorns that had been there deep in your heart for so long... Your family really love you alot but you just couldn't see it... I do envy you though, baby... They are really there for you when you needed them but mine.... I'll be very glad if they don't pinpoint at me or put me in troubles and i have to clean their mess.... I hope you'll appreciate what your sister are trying to do...

Baby, I hope you'll really grow up this time... You said that you're matured but to me...You are really not... Eventhough in relationship, you said that you're very matured in handling it...but to me you're not at all... You said i'm being immatured but honestly you just don't know what i'm trying to do... I am not that kind of person that like to explain my every action so i just keep quiet and let you think that way.... I know you might be even more angry with me when you know that i step in your family but i have no choice... I have to save you somewhere somehow....from all you negative unhealthy thoughts cause that's bringing you to no where and it's damaging your life without you knowing it but i can see it....

I don't know how to tell you all this...but i can just help you silently and hold you up once more... I'll try to use people around you to help you... I don't expect any reward from you or gratitude...but as long as you can stand up once more and happy, others just doesn't matters to me.... Cause that's what unconditional love means....

There's one thing that you never know about me cause you didn't really use your heart to understand my character....I never ever love someone with condition before.... Cause loving someone with condition will never last.... If you love someone...you'll prefer that person more than yourself....That's me... That's why you felt like I am over caring or care too much...cause never ever in your life...you have someone love you like this before... All those that you've been with before...always wants something from you in return but never for me.. I don't mind helping you nor doing things for you cause i want you to be the most blissful person on earth... You can be the queen and i don't mind doing the rest for you...

Since you can't accept that way...i can't force you... i'll have to let you go on your way but i'll never leave you alone unattended... I'll still be your guardian angel watching you silently from afar and lending you helping hand whenever you need it....

Nothing gonna change my love for you, baby.... I hope your relationship with your family will be better after this... I really hope your sister can help you cause i can't do it anymore....

Take care, baby...

It hurts...

Hey, baby...

It's been 2 days that i've not been talking to you... I knew you block me from Facebook when I no longer seeing you appearing on my right chat friends panel... You don't need to tell me, i already know...Guess you've forgotten that lately I 'breath eat sleep die' on FB... I purposely post all the messages on FB so that you'll eventually talk to me cause i'm not allow to communicate with you in any ways... I eventually succeeded and u ask me out for a drink to tell me off...

To be honest with you, i've expected all these...That's why i just stay real calm throughout the whole session... You ask me why i got no response... You expected me to cry... Well, you don't really know me enough yet baby... I WILL NOT LET MY TEARS fall in front of anyone especially in public... Cause my tears are actually falling like rain deep inside my heart without you knowing it...I pretend like I'm really happy and carefree... but deep down in me...I'm deeply hurt and wounded...My heart are broken into pieces...

Now, i'm just living on our scattered pieces of memories... I didn't know that you actually saw me walking into your house the other day...I knew you were in the room but wasn't sure if you're that alert...Well, guess you are.... I think I have been a part of your life somehow and you realize that it's kinda hard for you when i'm not around... That's why now, you used all sorts of ways and words to kick me out so that you won't depend on me that much... You also can't accept the fact that you had actually fall for me... I felt it, but probably you'll not agree... Like i told you yesterday, you always had your way out in saying everything... Leaving other people speechless... In my life, i never lost in reasoning with someone but i lost it with you.... It's not that i lost...It's just that i give in to you cause i love you so much and i don't want to 'break your secret'.... I actually know why are you behaving like this... Don't forget...I've learned psychology too....

I know you didn't want to see me... but i really thought that you have left... I know you purposely flirt in front of me...You don't feel good too when i'm being too close with your colleague... The way you push my head is really with force. I know you are somehow jealous... When  I wana send you back, you are actually fine with me... You do like it instead but because i mistakenly said that you might be angry with me cause i will not let you drive home...It actually struck your head...on the words you told me yesterday when we had drink during the evening... That's when you start to misbehave and throwing tantrums in public... You can't accept the fact that I was always there with you whenever you needed someone too...

I really thought I could just dump you go home alone...I nearly drove home but i u-turn my car and drive to your house to see if you've reach. When I saw there were police and some cars stopped at the roadside cause of accident, my heart dropped... I thought i was you. So i drove slowly but thank God, it's not you. When i reach your house, i saw your car was well parked and your room lights on, I know you're in safe hand. I just left...

I am starting to let go of you in fact...But it's just that you didn't realize... You thought i am still hitting on you but the fact is I am not. Eventhough you're just my friend, i will still treat you the same way. I will not let anything happen to all the people around me... I will still watch you from afar and guard after you...

You're still close to my heart, baby...

I wish to be there for you...

Hey baby,

I hope you are feeling better today. Knowing that you are sick yesterday really worries me....After the call, I drove to your house to see if you are ok...I really wish that i could step out of the car, walk into your room, touching your forehead to check if your fever is ok. I still remember how sick you were back then a month ago. You were sleeping in my arm for 3 days until you are well. All these memories are still very clear in my mind. I wish i could do that again but I know you will not want it anymore... Hearing your voice last night i can imagine how's your look.... :) 

Silly me for buying you a pack of ciggi and sweets while you are sick. Sowie, baby... I didn't know that you are sick. I left it in your jacket. Bought you 2 tubes of toothpaste too. I know yours probably running low by now cause i bought that for you previously and i doubt that your mum will buy that toothpaste for you. I left them in your drawer where you used to put your handbag.

Anyway, i will probably drop by your house during lunch or maybe after work to check on you. You probably might not want to see me but I don't give a damn anymore.... Been caring too much about how people felt but no one ever bother about how I feel.... I am also human... I got emotions and tantrums too but who will understand that...

I missed you terribly but i can't let you know....My heart broken into pieces and the pain doesn't goes off but nobody knows it but me...And now, I got a runaway mum to attend... Baby, how i wish you are here... I really feel like breaking down now... But i couldn't.... I just realized that no one really be there for me when i really needed someone too... Anyway, you take real good care of yourself baby...Rest more and get well soon....

Same place different feeling

14^th Nov, Mon (15^th Nov, 00.51am)

Baby…I know you went to Pavilion, probably is a lounge or pub like overtime. You posted up on FB, maybe it’s to let me know your whereabout… I don’t know…Maybe I’m being over sensitive…. Though you didn’t say who you are with but I can guess you are with your lifetime best friend…You and I know who that person is… J

I bought a FM modulator today. Mine suddenly spoilt last night when I started to drive back. I got to play all the songs that sang about break ups… I learned Chinese so that I could sing to you when we so happen to go sing K again…  I drove to a place where both of us would like to hang out together when we are free….but we only managed to went there twice…

I took the wrong turn again this time. Just like the first time when I’m trying to go Mont Kiara from my place…Mistaken taken the route to Damansara… Last time was with you but this time…I was all alone… Drove all the way to 1 U and u-turn back… Finally reach the place or to say our fav hangout place besides Library. Lan Tian by Ah Mei, Nicholas Teo Not Much and Just Love You Too Much by….. were playing in my car…My heart was so pain and full with sorrow…. My tears just fell… The images of us keep appearing in my mind….

Finally reached that place…Just ordered one pint & a fries…but this time…I smoke…I bought a pack of your fav ciggi….Thought of giving you but at that moment…I just wans smoke and drink….. Sit there all alone…listening to their live band singing all the sad love songs… Sat till about 11something, I’m kinda worry about you cause you were out  as well… I thought of texting you but I hold back…Finally, I text your lifetime buddy. She replied and I got to know that you are safe and sound with minimal alcohol… I was relieved….Anyway, I still went to your house and saw that your lights were off….I know you are sleeping sweet and sound….

I drove off and I came home. Along the way, my tears just wouldn’t stop…I don’t know why am I still so hurt…I thought I can let go of you… I thought I did but apparently…I can’t…. I miss you a lot, baby….. Though I was the same place where we used to laugh, hug and stare at each other but the feeling no longer the same…The person whom I used to went with…no longer there with me…

Signing off 15^th Nov, Tue, 0120…

Day 5

14^th Nov 2011, Monday, GMT 0028

Day 5 without you should be 13^th Nov, Sun. But the time I wrote this, it’s already past midnite. I should have reached my house early but I drop by your house. I saw your lights still on with your car park at the side, it’s just like you’re waiting for me park in… I thought I’ll leave but I have the urge to re-visit your house again hoping that you’ll come out to smoke and happen to see me passing by. I make a big turn and pass by your house once more…I knew you are still watching drama, probably your mum is watching tv while your dad is sleeping soundly… You probably playing with the edge of you smelly pillow…. There’s a gush of breath coming up and I really felt like crying…but I didn’t let it out…

Today I was busy updating my FB status, it’s to keep you updated what I’m doing cause I know you’ll be checking on me too…Just as I did it on you but you were too lazy to do all these things. Finally about 3++pm, you updated that you’re at the gym. I very seldom do that, but I guess you and I are having the same thoughts….Just to keep each other updated without talking. I leave you a message at your wall. Probably you wouldn’t like it but I’m just trying to cheer you up.

My bro broke up with his gf of 5 years today… I can felt his pain because I’m still going through the aftermath now…Have been intoxicating myself lately but I just couldn’t get over you yet… I try re-visit all the places that we’ve been together… Though our time together is very short but it seems like I’ve spend a lifetime with you. We did lots of things and went to lots of places together…. We’d spend our birthdays together… At that moment, there’s really nothing in our mind. We maximize our days together… Now…all these are just memories that are still fresh in my mind.

I’ve found a song by Nicholas which I think really suits my feeling at this point… The title is Why Cry? I know I told you that as long as you’re happy, I’ll be just fine. I’m ok with it and you don’t need to worry about me. But somehow I cry…

This song is about why do I still cry? I thought I can withstand. I thought I can stand the loneliness without you… Why do I cry? What is there to cry? And the song goes on….

That is exactly my feeling right now…I thought I can…When you told me that you walk out, I’m ok. I’ll be fine. But I was wrong…

I’m crying for you baby but you wouldn’t know….

Need You Now...Our very first duet

Hey baby,

This song keeps ringing in my mind. I really couldn't get it off... Just like the lyrics in this song, 'Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control, And I need you now...' I kept checking on my phone to see if you'll drop me a msg or ask me if I can talk.... I really wished to pick up that phone and call you...but I couldn't cause I have to respect you... I don't think that I can hold this feeling any longer, baby...

Disappointed...

Baby, I waited for a msg from you whole day but you didn't turn up. I really thought of texting you but I remember you said that you need to be alone these few days....So i just turn off that thought. I finally told someone about us. A very close friend of mine who used to be my EX best friend.

We were sitting near the garden with the water fountain on and she pour me a glass of wine and we chatted. We've not been seeing each other about 4 months now.....we talked almost everything and I told her about you. The more I told her, the more i realized that You and I were too close and now it's real hard for me to pull back...

I was waiting for you to msg me or just drop me a call....But u didn't....I was actually sad and quite disappointed but i should have know better...

Hoping that you'll pick up the phone and text me....

Reminds me of us...

Hey baby, how are you doing today?

I actually left a pack of ciggi in your jacket this morning. The smell of your strong perfume makes me missed you even more. Baby...i seriously need you...

Used Bangsar road to go home so that I could drop by your house before I leave. Passed by Chinoz. I still remember, we purposely went there to have your tiramisu cake but were sold off and you were disappointed. Your expression is still fresh and clear in my mind. Today the sky is all gloomy and has slight drizzles of rains...makes my heart sinks even more...It's like the sky can feel my heartache...

Drove into the lane where house is...I stop my car 2 houses away from yours just to check whether you are outside...Took a deep breath and I drove passed your house...Saw your car and I know that you are safe and sound at home... You are probably busy watching drama and eating in your room... How i wished you would text me and ask me out for brunch...How i wished you see me passing by... I haven't been eating real meal for the past few days...3 days...i only had 3 meals... One meal a day! I didn't know i can lived with that but i did...Cause i don't feel like eating nor going anywhere...i just wana be locked up and flash back all our good times together...

How can i get over you, baby?

Day 3

Hey, baby...

I should have wrote this yesterday night...but I was too drunk to do anything...I didn't even bath nor brush...i literally lay on the bed when i reached home... I called you is just to have a casual chat actually...nothing else...I didn't intend to call you to talk about us...I just want to hear your voice... When you didn't pick up, i thought you were sleeping so i don't want to wake you up so I quickly hung up.

I remember my promise to you...I did kept it. It's just that you don't understand me...I went to Library...but i didn't get myself drunk or do anything silly...I just had 2 glasses then off i go when the band finished. No doubt i drove to your house but i'm still very sane. I just cry like a baby in my car... I know you are busy and you don't want any personal stuffs to affect you. I understand that. That's why when i thought of getting drunk, i actually remember my promise to you...So i stop.

I don't know what's your intention coming over and sit on my chair and waited for me to come back...I don't understand why you asked me to wait for you at your car when i told you that i left office...You were rushing down...i knew it... You actually love me...but you were too afraid to fall in love...you are afraid of getting hurt once more...

You are constantly angry because...I love you too much and you can't love me back. You did a lot of nasty things to me or say nasty words to me, hoping that i will be angry with  but sorry to tell you, baby...that's not me...In my life, I haven't meet anyone that could cause me stay angry for long. Even my very first love that betrayed me to my group of peers, ditched me and be with my friend...I still forgave her and be her friend even till now...When she broke up with my friend, I'm the first that comes to her mind and she called me. I fetched her over to my house for the night and let her chilled out. That's me baby....I don't know how to treat people bad or angry at someone....

I remember every single words that you said to me last night...You asked me why i called? You asked me why i still asked you for dinner? You asked me why i bought you ciggi? You said i will definitely don't like it if you pay me back...You said that I'd promised you that i won't do stupid things....Why i still go to library? I asked you what's wrong going to library...You told me that going to library and get drunk is a stupid thing. I told you that i did kept my promise to you and I didn't do anything stupid. You said you have so much work to focus on lately and you don't want distraction from your personal life. To be honest, baby...You are still human...You are not robot that can be reformat after pushing the reset button...You are still flesh and blood with emotion. What's wrong with letting it out? i hung up your call last night and today i actually feel very terrible...

I'm sorry, baby....Just wished that you'll know... I did kept my promise to you!

Silently breaking apart

Baby...I know whatever that I do now will not change your mind...I can just watch you from afar hoping that you will take a glimpse of me in return...I know you do have feelings for me but you just ignore it... I will still be waiting for you silently though I am slowly breaking apart... I will not let go of you yet...Not now...I hope tonight you'll enjoy your date... Last week we were happily spending the night with your sis and niece... Don't know when will I still have the privilege to do it again.... I missed the days spending with you...I miss having you around, being with you...

I want you back, baby...

Day 2

11^th Nov, Fri, 0001… Clear sky

Well…this suppose to date on Thurs because it’s the 2^nd day without you… I just got home not long ago. Left Library about 11pm then I drove to your house. I was at your house just now, baby…I saw your room’s lights on. My car stopped right in front of your house. How I wished you’ll come out to smoke so that I could see you…. I tried to get over you but I just can’t, baby…Baby, I couldn’t! I was all alone at Library…thinking about how we used to be there when we firstly started off… That’s the place when our small little spark became fire. That was the place you just can’t get your eyes off me, baby… Had a couple of drinks and I left… The first place that came into my mind is your house… cause I am so used to going back there now compared to mine… Listening to the song that you used to sing to me…by James Ingram ‘I don’t have a heart’… Rings a bell, baby?

Walk past, Finnegan’s and their band was singing…Lady Antebellum ‘Need You Now’…Makes me more depressed cause that was our favourite song that we used to duet together whenever we go for karaoke…

I can’t hold it anymore and my tears just dropped when I reach the car park… Baby..do you know why I parked there? Cause I want you to know that I’m always there for you whenever you reached office. I purposely put my luggage in front. Just in case, you so happen to peep into my car…You’ll know that I’m always ready to go with you where ever you wana go… Baby…do you know that I’m sinking inside. I tried to be as jovial as possible but to be honest…deep inside of me…I’m just as broken as the scattered piece of glasses….I don’t even know how to fix myself right now…

Do you know how I wish to call you right now? But I promise you that I won’t bother you no more… I just have to keep to that… Baby…do you know that I loved you? Have you ever really loved me? I know you just take me as a flamboyant… I knew it since the beginning…but I don’t mind…cause I just want to be there to protect you…take care of you…and love you… I am breaking apart silently, do you know that baby?

Today when you came over…I actually saw you took a glimpse of me… You want to know whether am I looking at you…I was to be honest…You scent is so strong…that I can smell you coming… I think I am going crazy soon…I think I saw you everywhere… I was sitting at the coffee shop where we used to have our lunch or dinner, having a glass of coffee….I had not been eating for 2 days now… I think I’m going aneroxic soon… but HECK IT!!! I don’t care anymore… How I wished you will pass me by….But I think…we were still destined to be together and I saw you at Zouk… I was nearly hit by a car when I’m heading your way before I saw you and your bestest friend having lunch… I don’t know what reaction should I gave you cause I was so hurt and I was holding back my tears… That’s why I don’t say much…

I thought of having dinner with you but you were in a hurry…I think I know where you are heading to… Slimming right?  J  I know you are damn busy so I didn’t really disturb you… I had dinner with our colleagues but my heart and mind was thinking about you… I literally saw you everywhere…. How I wished they were you?! I missed you, baby… Can we be like how we used to be? I thinking I’m driving myself crazy thinking about you…. Do you know how hurt I am but I couldn’t tell no one? You were the one and only one that I’ve got…

I’m a little drunk and I’m listening to Lady Antebellum ‘Need You Now’…. How I wish you are here with me, baby? If only you know what I knew… If only you feel what I felt… One day you’ll know…

I love you, baby…

Signing off at 12.32am, 11^th Nov, Friday.

Missing You

Reluctantly woke up this morning at 8.10am. Lying on the bed not willing to get up. Somehow, my mind played the video of your morning routine. How you got up in the morning, sitting on bed with a stone face, wearing your dunno how many inch specs, tie up your hair, fold the blanket and off you go. Brush your teeth and off to shower. If I'm around, you'll say 'Bee, help me iron my dress.' And off you go. I'll be all ready sitting on the couch waiting for you to dress up and make up. The flashbacks were so clear and it's just like watching a movie. That's the disadvantage of having photographic memory. Because I can remember every single thing so clearly. My heart sinks... I do miss you a lot, baby... What can I do to turn back time? I missed all your late night calls before you off to bed. Seeing you still wearing my ring yesterday, I felt better. At least there's a part of me is with you. And our little Odie accompanying you every night when you sleep...

Though I know, the chances of us getting back together is very very slim...but please don't give me a cold shoulder...

I miss you alot, baby...

Day 1

9^th Nov, Wed, 11.13pm: Clear sky

Dozed off last night with Dave Koz music on. I think I shed a little tears while I’m in deep sleep but couldn’t remember cause my eyes kinda dry when I woke up. Turned off the alarm 3 times, learn from my ex baby & reluctantly got up at 8.10am to wash up. Check on her dress that hangs at the balcony & to my surprise the stains gone. Phew! A dress that looks good on her which I suggested her to buy. She got praised from her very best friends when she wore it the first time. Seriously, she does look good! I was wrong saying that she has no poise. After accompanying her shopping for new dresses, and WOW! She does has all the poise she needed which she hide all these while. She looks fantastic with her new dress, hair tied up and high heels on…BAM! She’s like an angel…with her small little dimple! I seen her changed…Literally TRANSFORMED! I went through that transformation with her… A chapter in my life with her that I’ll always remember deeply.

Ok! Ok! Just one dress, I’d write a paragraph about her in dresses. DAMN! I do miss her! And A LOT! Seriously…blogging does help! At least now my heart is not as pain as previous. I have a secret little place to talk about her or telling her about my feelings although I knew that she will not know about this.

To continue my story, I changed into ALL BLACKS from top to bottom and not styling my hair because today I just don’t have the mood to do anything. Anyway, all the while, my personal life doesn’t affect my job cause I will not let anything affect my performance. Even though I got so damn drunk but I will still wake up the next day to work but just a little hangover at work. Low productivity but still producing. Reached office about 9.20am, logon my msn hoping to see her online when she turns in. She came in like usual…obviously later than everyone else but still get her job gazillions of job done on the dot!

Worked as usual but this time no more sudden ‘hihi’ from her in msn, no more ‘buzzing’ on msn when she’s bored, no more ‘smoke date’ in the evening which I guess she smoke less during office hour and no more sudden appearance at my place. I still talk to her like usual cause she said that she wanted a best friend but I realized that she’s not that comfortable talking to me. She just couldn’t face me. Previously, she will look into my eyes, having eye contact with me whenever she talks to me. But today, I realized that she was actually avoiding the eye contact. I tried to be as usual as possible but at the same time follow her lead by not talking to her that much cause I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable. Didn’t talk to her till lunch time cause I was planning to have lunch together but she wasn’t available. Eventually I went out with my boss and we discuss about work.

Back in the office, I keep viewing my msn screen hoping that there will be messages from her like usual but there’s none. Though it’s disappointing but expected. When she walked over, I took a glimpse at her. I knew she was coming because as usual…her voice reached before you could actually see her. She came again in the late evening with her jacket off and that’s when I realized she was in ALL WHITE including her heels. WOW! We were so contradicting. Guess we were having the same thoughts…

Asked her out for dinner, she sounded reluctant saying that she has date but eventually our dinner happened. I just ordered drink without food and she asked why am I not eating… cause usually I will eat a lot. Whatever that she can’t finish, she will gave it to me. That’s how I gained weight. But today I really have no appetite. I guess this is how my body adapt to sorrow that I kept inside silently. Yesterday no dinner and today no dinner as well. In fact, I just ate ONE MEAL today and that’s curry mee with barley drink. No breakfast & no dinner. Don’t know how long will this continue but I hope it won’t be long cause I know I’m just harming my body. It’s not on purpose but my appestats just don’t seem to work anymore.

After the dinner, we walked to the car in silent. But I try to crack the silence with some common questions and she did answer but doesn’t seem comfortable. I can feel that she’s holding back something but she’s not telling me. If she really could accept the breakup and just being friend…this is not supposed to happen. It should be just normal way of talking to your best friend. This is what I’m doing. I’m just doing according to the brief unless she left out certain things on her brief… I can see from her eyes that she’s really really worn out. How I wished to tell her that ‘Baby, why don’t you come to mine tonight or I go to yours so that I could give you a good rub and massage at the back?’ Well, that what we used to do back then even on last Sunday. But that phrase just couldn’t come out cause I remember very clearly my promise to her. All I can do is watching her get into the car with exhaustion. She wasn’t looking at me when she said bye and waved at me with her back. Probably looking at me makes her feel worse so I just got into my car and drove off with her.

I wished I could help her. I know how frustrated, exhausted and busy she is but there’s nothing I could do to ease her. All I can do is watching her from afar hoping I could stretch my arms out for her on certain things. I don’t mind if she asked me massage her and I drove off after that… To me, love is not about being together with that person but sometimes is about being there for the one that you love even though you know that that person will not love you back. It doesn’t matter if that someone you love is not yours but looking at that someone you love being happy… That’s when you’ll have the satisfaction. Especially after you have help the one you loved.

To many people, this might sounds kinda stupid but for me…The one that I love is always more important than me. No matter how hurt I am or how broken I am, I will still make sure that my baby will not get hurt or broken down. My day 1 without her is not that bad though. I still managed to pull it through. Though I wished that she would change her mind again but I guess she’s pretty determined this time. All I can do is respect her decision and support her to go through this period. I know it’s not gonna be easy for her too. I guess somewhere somehow she still miss me but she just have to deal with it because it’s her call. I just accept without any debate. I am sure we’re gonna ring the wedding bell if….. but too bad… I just can see her walked away…

PS: Baby, I just want you to know that my heart still beats for you, sink for you and all you have to do is call on me and I’ll be there for you…

Signing off at 1.35am, 10^th Nov Thurs.